Wolf Blitzer and other newscasters are summarizing a speech Obama made earlier that day. Apparently, due to the killing of Bin Laden, Obama has become quite cocky and overly confident. Some of the things Obama did in his speech: freely smoking (what might be pot, judging by context, but looks more like a cigarette,) bringing every subject back to Bin Laden’s death, cracking up at his own jokes, turning the speech into a stand-up routine, creating catchphrases (“kiiiiiiiiiiilled Bin Laden”, “…you might be a terrorist,”) doing a dance, and firing t-shirt guns.
“…George W. Bush, the 43rd President… 43rd President to not kill Bin Laden!”
“Did you ever notice how white presidents are like, [in a mousy Bush voice] ‘we’re gonna find Bin Laden no matter where he hides.’ Black presidents like (sic,) ‘you dead, bitch!’ Kiiiiiiiiiiilled Bin Laden.”
Ed Helms comes out in a suit, and I am very, very distracted. He looks different, like something is “off.” I decide it is his over-gelled hair before realizing the real issue- he isn’t wearing glasses.
Ed goes into a monologue about seeing a baton twirler in a red, white and blue leotard when he was younger. He says that was the moment he decided to be in show biz- but, more specifically, a baton twirler. He tells of a baton twirling troupe he had going as a kid, and the ridicule he experienced. I can not stress this enough: this monologue goes on way too long and ended up boring me and during into white noise, like a professor’s lecture when you’re doodling penises in your notebook. (What, too specific?)
In the final minute or so, we get our payoff. Ed tears off his suit to reveal a red, white and blue leotard.
The first post-monologue sketch is actually a repeat of the corn syrup commercial. Bummer. By the way, when the first real sketch is a repeat, it is almost always an indication that the show is not good this week. (Was this the case? Read on to find out…)
WHAT’S UP WITH THAT
Today’s guest stars are Paul Simon, GLEE’s Chris Colfer and, of course, Lindsey Buckingham. Paul Simon says he watches the show, but has noticed something- he never lets his guests speak. Particularly Lindsey Buckingham. Deandre looks completely perplexed by this, and says this is simply untrue. He asks some of his musicians, and they agree with Deandre. He asks Lindsey Buckingham who also- silently- agrees.
Paul continues speaking, and Deandre goes into the second song, which is unbelievably long. This seems to be a theme this week. (This sketch is over eight minutes long.) The song features a segment called Sexy Banjo, with Ed Helms playing the Captain Sexy Banjo in a pretty fantastic feathery ’70s wig with sideburns. Kristin Wiig is his backup dancer and singer. They are both in gaudy red, white, gold and blue outfits.
Deandre announces a fourth guest- another Lindsey Buckingham, played by the real Lindsey Buckingham, who gets a guitar solo, which is also unbelievably long. The song actually continues after this. Really. Real Lindsey sits next to Fake Lindsey, and Deandre says he can not believe there is a second Lindsey. He asked how this came to be.
Real Lindsey: “you should have let him talk, then you would have known how this happened.” They exchange small talk, and Real Lindsey’s guitar is right in front of his face, to the point we can barely see him talking. Deandre then addresses Chris Colfer- who is absolutely adorable in this, and tells him they are out of time.
THE AMBIGUOUSLY GAY DUO
Yes, you read this correctly. The Ambiguously Gay Duo. No, this is not a repeat. There is a new version of a sketch that has not aired since 2007, and has not been a true show fixture since the late 1990s.I’m dying here. Keep reading. It gets better than you can ever imagine. Trivia time: did you know that Ace and Gay were voiced by pre-fame Steve Carrel and Stephen Colbert? Judging by the cartoon, Colbert is still voicing Ace, but I can not tell if is Carell is Gary or not.
The plot is pretty much the same as every other episode- the villains get together with a scheme, Dr. Brainio’s cyber eel, and become distractingly unconvinced of the nature of Ace and Gary’s relationship. Bighead and the other villains have broken into Ace and Gary’s communication network, and are reviewing their credit card accounts. Bighead asks Lizardo is there are any smoking guns, which there aren’t.
Lizardo: “There are subscriptions to Mens Fitness, Mens Cleanliness, QG…”
Bighead: “GQ’s gay!” Harvey Dent knockoff: “Not as much anymore. They have that Women Men Love thing.”
Bighead: “That’s Esquire!”
The commissioner calls Ace and Gary to alert them to this “penetration of [their] privacy,” as Ace puts it. Ace and Gary go to confront the baddies, who are now discussing gay porn sites. It seems all of them have paid to view one in their time. They also dismiss the idea of quizzing local male hookers about their clients, because a majority seem to be guilty of… you know. Utilizing their services.
Ace and Gary enter the evil lair, and the Harvey Dent knockoff uses a “flesh ray.” This is where it gets good. Ace and Gary are transformed into… life-action human beings. (John Hamm and Jimmy Fallon, with hilarious and erotic body padding.) The flesh ray will not stop firing, hitting the cyber eel, the penis car, and, finally, the villains. (Ed Helms- Harvey Dent knockoff, Fred Armisen- Lizardo, Steve Carell- Bighead, Stephen Colbert- Dr. Brainio.) Ace and Gary can-can dance-fight, and Lizardo finally asks the question: “what if they’re bi?”
Bighead and Dr. Brainio dismiss this, with Bighead saying: “that’s just a gay guy who occasionally bangs a lady.” I’m really sick of that. I don’t want to get political and crap, but why does television constantly deny bisexuality exists? Case in point: GLEE. Aaaanyway. Ace and Gary do some suggestive stretching, and even the cyber eel seems to be wondering what the deal is.
The villains go to the roof, and Ace and Gary follow them. Finally, the flesh-colored cyber heel escapes, causing Ace and Gary to tackle it. In case you’re slow: this results in the duo appearing to be fighting a giant penis. Ace and Gary look at the villains, and ask “what are you looking at?” And, as always, the villains insist: “Nothing!”
The make-up-the-song-as-we-go-along duo, whose names I am too apathetic to Google, return, as does the misinformed gossip guy. Really? I don’t know a single person who enjoys either of these.
SONG GUYS Remember that old skit from a few years ago, where a bunch of guys get together and have disturbing memories related to a song? It’s back, evidently. This one is particularly unfunny, which a Big Gulp cup filled with ashes, which seems like a ripoff of Due Date, and has an oh-so-timely Human Centipede reference at the end.
We finish with two retro sketches- one in which Andy Samberg plays One Take Tony, an Old Hollywood actor who claims to only need one take, but keeps screwing up and insisting it is the same take. The second is Ann Margaret Throws Paper in a Wastebasket. It is almost exactly what the title implies, except with dancing.
Overall, this episode was extremely unfunny, and the sketches were exceedingly long. Was the Ambiguously Gay duo sketch phenomenal? Yes. Does one fantastic sketch make a crummy episode good? No.
Next week will be all new, with Justin Timberlake and Lady GaGa.