Quirky kids are cute/

The ’70s were so mint/

Cloverfield again?

Wolf Blitzer and other newscasters are summarizing a speech Obama made earlier that day. Apparently, due to the killing of Bin Laden, Obama has become quite cocky and overly confident. Some of the things Obama did in his speech: freely smoking (what might be pot, judging by context, but looks more like a cigarette,) bringing every subject back to Bin Laden’s death, cracking up at his own jokes, turning the speech into a stand-up routine, creating catchphrases (“kiiiiiiiiiiilled Bin Laden”, “…you might be a terrorist,”) doing a dance, and firing t-shirt guns.

Quote highlights:

“…George W. Bush, the 43rd President… 43rd President to not kill Bin Laden!”

“Did you ever notice how white presidents are like, [in a mousy Bush voice] ‘we’re gonna find Bin Laden no matter where he hides.’ Black presidents like (sic,) ‘you dead, bitch!’ Kiiiiiiiiiiilled Bin Laden.”

MONOLOGUE

Ed Helms comes out in a suit, and I am very, very distracted. He looks different, like something is “off.” I decide it is his over-gelled hair before realizing the real issue- he isn’t wearing glasses.

Ed goes into a monologue about seeing a baton twirler in a red, white and blue leotard when he was younger. He says that was the moment he decided to be in show biz- but, more specifically, a baton twirler. He tells of a baton twirling troupe he had going as a kid, and the ridicule he experienced. I can not stress this enough: this monologue goes on way too long and ended up boring me and during into white noise, like a professor’s lecture when you’re doodling penises in your notebook. (What, too specific?)

In the final minute or so, we get our payoff. Ed tears off his suit to reveal a red, white and blue leotard.

CORN SYRUP

The first post-monologue sketch is actually a repeat of the corn syrup commercial. Bummer. By the way, when the first real sketch is a repeat, it is almost always an indication that the show is not good this week. (Was this the case? Read on to find out…)

WHAT’S UP WITH THAT

Today’s guest stars are Paul Simon, GLEE’s Chris Colfer and, of course, Lindsey Buckingham. Paul Simon says he watches the show, but has noticed something- he never lets his guests speak. Particularly Lindsey Buckingham. Deandre looks completely perplexed by this, and says this is simply untrue. He asks some of his musicians, and they agree with Deandre. He asks Lindsey Buckingham who also- silently- agrees.

Paul continues speaking, and Deandre goes into the second song, which is unbelievably long. This seems to be a theme this week. (This sketch is over eight minutes long.) The song features a segment called Sexy Banjo, with Ed Helms playing the Captain Sexy Banjo in a pretty fantastic feathery ’70s wig with sideburns. Kristin Wiig is his backup dancer and singer. They are both in gaudy red, white, gold and blue outfits.

Deandre announces a fourth guest- another Lindsey Buckingham, played by the real Lindsey Buckingham, who gets a guitar solo, which is also unbelievably long. The song actually continues after this. Really. Real Lindsey sits next to Fake Lindsey, and Deandre says he can not believe there is a second Lindsey. He asked how this came to be.

Real Lindsey: “you should have let him talk, then you would have known how this happened.” They exchange small talk, and Real Lindsey’s guitar is right in front of his face, to the point we can barely see him talking. Deandre then addresses Chris Colfer- who is absolutely adorable in this, and tells him they are out of time.

THE AMBIGUOUSLY GAY DUO

Yes, you read this correctly. The Ambiguously Gay Duo. No, this is not a repeat. There is a new version of a sketch that has not aired since 2007, and has not been a true show fixture since the late 1990s.I’m dying here. Keep reading. It gets better than you can ever imagine. Trivia time: did you know that Ace and Gay were voiced by pre-fame Steve Carrel and Stephen Colbert? Judging by the cartoon, Colbert is still voicing Ace, but I can not tell if is Carell is Gary or not.

The plot is pretty much the same as every other episode- the villains get together with a scheme, Dr. Brainio’s cyber eel, and become distractingly unconvinced of the nature of Ace and Gary’s relationship. Bighead and the other villains have broken into Ace and Gary’s communication network, and are reviewing their credit card accounts. Bighead asks Lizardo is there are any smoking guns, which there aren’t.

Lizardo: “There are subscriptions to Mens Fitness, Mens Cleanliness, QG…”

Bighead: “GQ’s gay!” Harvey Dent knockoff: “Not as much anymore. They have that Women Men Love thing.”

Bighead: “That’s Esquire!”

The commissioner calls Ace and Gary to alert them to this “penetration of [their] privacy,” as Ace puts it. Ace and Gary go to confront the baddies, who are now discussing gay porn sites. It seems all of them have paid to view one in their time. They also dismiss the idea of quizzing local male hookers about their clients, because a majority seem to be guilty of… you know. Utilizing their services.

Ace and Gary enter the evil lair, and the Harvey Dent knockoff uses a “flesh ray.” This is where it gets good. Ace and Gary are transformed into… life-action human beings. (John Hamm and Jimmy Fallon, with hilarious and erotic body padding.) The flesh ray will not stop firing, hitting the cyber eel, the penis car, and, finally, the villains. (Ed Helms- Harvey Dent knockoff, Fred Armisen- Lizardo, Steve Carell- Bighead, Stephen Colbert- Dr. Brainio.) Ace and Gary can-can dance-fight, and Lizardo finally asks the question: “what if they’re bi?”

Bighead and Dr. Brainio dismiss this, with Bighead saying: “that’s just a gay guy who occasionally bangs a lady.” I’m really sick of that. I don’t want to get political and crap, but why does television constantly deny bisexuality exists? Case in point: GLEE. Aaaanyway. Ace and Gary do some suggestive stretching, and even the cyber eel seems to be wondering what the deal is.

The villains go to the roof, and Ace and Gary follow them. Finally, the flesh-colored cyber heel escapes, causing Ace and Gary to tackle it. In case you’re slow: this results in the duo appearing to be fighting a giant penis. Ace and Gary look at the villains, and ask “what are you looking at?” And, as always, the villains insist: “Nothing!”

WEEKEND UPDATE

The make-up-the-song-as-we-go-along duo, whose names I am too apathetic to Google, return, as does the misinformed gossip guy. Really? I don’t know a single person who enjoys either of these.

SONG GUYS Remember that old skit from a few years ago, where a bunch of guys get together and have disturbing memories related to a song? It’s back, evidently. This one is particularly unfunny, which a Big Gulp cup filled with ashes, which seems like a ripoff of Due Date, and has an oh-so-timely Human Centipede reference at the end.

We finish with two retro sketches- one in which Andy Samberg plays One Take Tony, an Old Hollywood actor who claims to only need one take, but keeps screwing up and insisting it is the same take. The second is Ann Margaret Throws Paper in a Wastebasket. It is almost exactly what the title implies, except with dancing.

Overall, this episode was extremely unfunny, and the sketches were exceedingly long. Was the Ambiguously Gay duo sketch phenomenal? Yes. Does one fantastic sketch make a crummy episode good? No.

Next week will be all new, with Justin Timberlake and Lady GaGa.

(Click the pic to add me on Tumblr!)

Filed under: Is it just me, or is this post just about me?, Meanwhile, on the Internet... ]]> http://malkatz.wordpress.com/2011/04/25/here-i-am-bragging-about-the-picture-i-made-for-my-new-tumblr/feed/ 0 haikutie http://malkatz.wordpress.com/2011/04/11/snl-recapreview-for-punchline-mag-helen-mirren/ http://malkatz.wordpress.com/2011/04/11/snl-recapreview-for-punchline-mag-helen-mirren/#comments Mon, 11 Apr 2011 23:42:23 +0000 malkatz http://malkatz.wordpress.com/?p=936 ]]> I am honored to be the new Saturday Night Live recap/reviewer!

My first can be found right here- http://punchlinemagazine.com/blog/2011/04/saturday-night-live-recap-helen-mirrens-breasts-taxes-and-frankenstein

Enjoy!

WHAT I SAW: A promo for a new teen drama.

Check it out.

And yes, the second I saw this in my Seventeen magazine, I had a title and a backstory for each of the characters.

The show? Private School Confessions. 

And here are the cast of characters. (Open this link or the picture below in a new tab or window to avoid having to scroll up/down to read.)

ROW ONE, L-R.

Travis- In middle school, he was an aspiring artist. However, a summer spent in Australia gave him a love of surfing and volleyball. Now he is a star soccer player, much to the disdain of his mother, a former sculptor and retired art professor. He is the former step brother of Viv, and was best friends with Kaylie during their childhoods. Slowly but surely, he is coming into his bisexuality, and is terrified by his ever-increasing feelings for Blake.

Kaylie-  Pageant queen and two-time Student Council President, Kaylie is as beautiful and popular as she is naive. She is yet to realize that her mysterious but loving father is a mobster… or that his right-hand man lusts after her. Only a sophomore, she has an on and off (but mostly on) one-sided flirtation with Kevin, her lab partner in Advanced Chemistry who believes she is too young.

Kevin- A sweet, well-mannered, relatively clean cut boy, Kevin’s turmoil has nothing to do with himself. His mother, Gabrielle, is a severe and unmedicated schizophrenic. Additionally, she is now struggling with trauma from a car accident, in which she drunkenly killed a toddler, and a case of Empty Nest Syndrome. Kevin’s father, billionaire James George Duncan IV, has recently come out of the woodwork after over a decade of silence. He has been writing Kevin (real name: James Kevin Duncan V) letters at school, desperate to reunite with him. Little does Kevin know his father’s intentions are more sinister than expected.  On top of everything else, his younger sister, Sophie (unpictured,) just started her first semester attending Goldwell High, and is quickly finding her way into the wrong crowd.

Jess- The daughter of a pilot and a supermodel, Jess has her parents convinced their only daughter is a cultured, religious young woman with ambition- rather than the school slut who has been known to trade favors for European diet pills. Outgoing and bubbly, Jess is friends with anyone she deems worthy. She is self-deprecating and openly laughs about her copious sexual conquests. But will a pregnancy scare, and the true affections of Joshua, a geeky younger student, change her ways?

ROW 2, L-R.

Viv- The former stepsister of Travis, his love for art rubbed off on her. She is often seen posing nude for erotic self-portraits and full-frontal photospreads, or photographing for her Tumblr. However, she finds most of her inspiration in Blake, her muse-turned-lover-turned partner in crime.

Blake- The chip on Blake’s shoulder is that his upper middle class family could not afford to put him through Goldwell High if it weren’t for his soccer scholarship. He made a name for himself despite his insecurity by becoming a soccer celebrity and drug dealer. Although sometimes assisted by Viv, he dislikes anybody trying to find their way into his drug business, and uses men and women alike for sexual gratification, including his teammate and sometimes customer Travis, for whom he secretly has a soft spot.

Ladies and gentleman, Private School Confessions:

Refresh this page, or read my tweets, to get updates!

I linked to each of my Tweets- please feel free to RT them!

The newest tweets will be at the top.

Stay tuned! I will start during the red carpet.

They always insist, on top of everything, “it will help with your comedy!”

But they were wrong. Dead wrong.

All I needed was a profile on a dating site.

In addition to the two princes I met, I got to troll a motherfucker on the same day:

Click for full size, genius.

They always insist, on top of everything, “it will help with your comedy!”

But they were wrong. Dead wrong.

All I needed was a profile on a dating site.

In the past 24 hours, I found two absolute princes.

The first… and then this one.

I thought the first was great, but then this one blew it out of the water.

Seriously, read it. And I apologize for the left side getting cut off a bit.

(Click for full-sized.)

Okay, so I know you didn’t just read that.

It is a really long profile. I get it.

Instead, read these highlights:

His headline, of course, is “looking for a lazy, ugly, obese woman.” The catch? He then goes on to say:

ATTN: FAT GIRLS

STOP
MESSAGING
ME.

I
DON’T
LIKE
FAT
CHICKS.

I
REALLY
REALLY
REALLY
REALLY
REALLY
REALLY

DON’T

LIKE

FAT

CHICKS.

He also says, in his looooong list of requirements:

NO FAT CHICKS, EITHER.
(i really goddamn mean that too… i’m a pretty good lookin guy and take care of myself for the most part. and i will be in really fantastic shape by this summer. so if you’re a goddamn whale… don’t bother messaging me. go get on a treadmill and take care of yourself instead of sending me an email to tell me that i’m shallow for not liking your fat disgusting ass)

You might wonder why he would have that as his headline? Look for further than his interests, where he lists:

good sarcasm ie not 99% of what people call sarcasm

Another inconsistency:

- i really would love to be with someone that thinks of me all the time and lets me know it ALL the time.
- BUT NO CREEPERS
- SERIOUSLY, NO CREEPERS.

Really? And these are placed right next to each other.

I know guys have different opinions of what is creepy than girls- believe me, I know, but, in my book, thinking about someone on a second-to-second basis- and letting them know- is the very definition of a “creeper.”  

So anyway, back to Prince Charming.

i’m a bouncer at two popular bars (entering into the police academy soon and becomin a cop… don’t plan on bouncing for a career… just so you know) and i can get pretty much any girl i want. i’m on here to meet a chick that’s worth wifin up. THAT DOESN’T MEAN I WANT TO MEET A DESPERATE, UGLY SCHLEP THAT’S HOPELESSLY LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP ON THE EFFING INTERNET.

Oh man. There is nothing girls love more than denial. Asshat McGee is clearly making every effort to make it known he doesn’t need or want to be on a dating site, and yet… there he is.

Also, how can it be that someone with possibly the single most detailed profile on a dating site only needed one sentence to make his mission unsuccessful? “THAT DOESN’T MEAN I WANT TO MEET A DESPERATE, UGLY SCHLEP THAT’S HOPELESSLY LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP ON THE EFFING INTERNET.”

So… he’s looking for a girl on the internet who isn’t looking for a guy on the internet.

Oh, and he misused a Yiddish word.

Want to know what else he’s looking for?

- IF YOU CAN’T SPELL, DON’T EFFING TRY AND TALK TO ME
- i don’t drink or act a fool… if you do, i probably will hate you… unless you’re super hot. then that MIGHT make up for it. oh wait… no, it won’t. my ex was super hot and i dumped her ass anyways for that silly shit.
- i hate stupid people.
- i’m tired as hell as i’m typing this
- NO STRIPPERS
- NO FAT CHICKS, EITHER.
(i really goddamn mean that too… i’m a pretty good lookin guy and take care of myself for the most part. and i will be in really fantastic shape by this summer. so if you’re a goddamn whale… don’t bother messaging me. go get on a treadmill and take care of yourself instead of sending me an email to tell me that i’m shallow for not liking your fat disgusting ass)
- NO FAT STRIPPERS
- i like awesome movies and cuddling
- NO DANDRUFF
- i’m very affectionate
- NO PENDING LEGAL CASES
- i love kids and would really love to have one… i’d be a great dad
- NO EX-BOYFRIENDS THAT YOU’RE STILL “JUST FRIENDS” WITH AND TEXT EVERY DAMN DAY
- i love rice chex
- NO SMELLY GIRLS ALLOWED
- i always smell nice.
- NO DIRTY FINGERNAILS, EITHER.
- i really would love to be with someone that thinks of me all the time and lets me know it ALL the time.
- BUT NO CREEPERS
- SERIOUSLY, NO CREEPERS.
- i love chess
- i love music
- i love sex
- i really love sex
- no seriously, i like it a whole lot.
- and i’m super at it.
- NO DADDY ISSUES… I AM NOT YOUR DAD… DON’T ****ING HAVE ME FULFILL SOME STUPID FATHER FIGURE ROLE AND THEN INUNDATE ME WITH LOTS OF BAGGAGE FROM YOUR GODDAMN CHILDHOOD
- one of the greatest things in life is just to love… and be loved in return.
- WHAT A LOAD OF sh*tTHAT IS
- i hate it when the person i’m with makes me feel like i’m nothin but a fallback when i make it clear they are my top priority
- every girl i’ve ever loved has cheated on me.
-
- NO CHEATING ALLOWED
- i don’t like girls that don’t cry. it’s weird.
- I ALSO DON’T LIKE GIRLS THAT CRY ALL THE TIME
- i’m really getting a kick out of this alternating between normal talking
- AND YELLING
- i really find it quite funny
- DO YOU??
- aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand i’m done.
- for now.

Some points on that list:

• Wow. He is so uninformed. Isn’t in the Jerk Rulebook to always go for the chicks with daddy issues? It should be. They put out, man! After all, he’s not looking for a relationship, anyway, right?
• I do have to admire how precise he is, though: no strippers, no fat chicks, and no strippers. All that leaves is… sexy male strippers, actually.
• “No pending legal cases?” Does that include traffic tickets, hit and runs, slip and fall accidents, malpractice suits,  and jury duty? What if she’s a lawyer, or a judge?
• Calling the Beatles “bullshit?” Total lady boner bait.
• Advertising you’re really, really good at sex is just silly. It’s the exact same thing as “the lady doth protest too much.” It’s “the shit stain doth brag too much.” Also, you ever wonder why foods never straight out say “buy us, because we taste super good?” Because that’s bullshit. No one buys that. It just seems like they’re trying to insist on something they don’t hear enough.
• My only dream is that a man like this raises my children.

Seriously, just read that image. I can’t do this justice. I could go on for hours.

Tomorrow, you will see how I used my online dating profile to troll an all-to-eager loser.

So, in conclusion, therapists parents colleauges need to shut up. And I just found your new boyfriend.

PS: Comment on your thoughts from the profile!

They always insist, on top of everything, “it will help with your comedy!”

But they were wrong. Dead wrong.

All I needed was a profile on a dating site.

In the past 24 hours, I found two absolute princes.

The first:

(Click for larger image- opens in same window.)

Here’s his entire profile, for those curious- or horny:

I thought I found the goldmine, until I came across this  one. This guy is such a douche, you need to read his entire profile to believe it. 

However, his profile is too damn long to include in this post, and will be posted tomorrow.

Then, in case that isn’t enough, I got to troll the fuck out of someone. That post will arrive on Friday.

All in all, yesterday was a good day for comedy.

And my therapists parents colleauges need to shut up.