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Column: Ask a Chick ANYTHING (and I Mean Anything!)

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The fairer sex has always been clouded with mystery. Why do they love shoes so much? Why is chocolate their kyptonite? What is it about the English that gets them so hot?

These questions, and more, have been discussed countless times, and no man can answer them. Unfortunately, you are sitting at a computer, which means your interaction with real, live, certified females is limited (the restraining orders don’t help either.)

Until now.

I have no qualms about answering the questions women have been refusing to answer since Eve slapped Adam for wondering why she’s so moody. Although I am an authentic, card-carrying female, I am doing the guys a solid. Like Tom Hanks, Nicholas Cage, and other men with bad haircuts, I have made it my mission to reveal the most sought-after secrets.

Consider me a double agent, like Jennifer Garner in Alias– except with much, much bigger tits.

So ask away. No question is off-limits.
(Note: obviously I didn’t receive any questions yet, so I picked a standard, generic question.)

Q: Why can’t I get my dream girl to like me, no matter how hard I try?

Because you’re trying.
We may act like we don’t know what you’re doing, but it is only to spare you humiliation. We’re onto you. We can smell your desperation. Let me put it this way:

Let’s say a knife salesman arrives at your door. Obviously, he wants you to buy his product, but he never actually says it. Instead, he decides to be passive aggressive. He beats around the bush. Seriously, imagine that sales pitch: “See, I work for this company… and they make knives… and they’re really, really good knives, and they come at a great price…” Imagine he goes on for twenty minutes, but never actually has the guts to ask you to buy the damn knives. Do you see how annoying that is? After a while, wouldn’t you start to question his very ability to sell knives in the first place?

What is that, you say? You are being direct? Okay, then, that’s a different situation entirely: you are making your feelings perfectly clear, and are asking her direct questions? And you’ve been trying this for a while now? That can be summed up in one magical word:

Seriously. Imagine the same knife salesman shows up at your door. Aggressively or not, he asks you to buy his product. You say no. Now imagine he keeps showing up at your door, pitching the same damn knives. Chances are,  those knives are on your mind, but not in the sense you want to buy them.

You get my drift?

Getting a girl to like you is a lot like farting. You can eat burritos and drink soda all day long, but, the fact of the matter is, it needs to come naturally. You could try to force it, but that isn’t a real fart. Hell, forced farts don’t even make noise most of the time.


About malkatz

I'm an aspiring comedy writer living in New Jersey. Please hire me.

2 responses »

  1. From one chick to another, why is it that we hate on each other so much, and without much warning?


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