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Why Being a Superhero Would Absolutely Suck (pt. 2 and 3)

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Reason #2: It’s a Thankless Job

You may get a breathless “my hero” from a saved damsel in distress, or even the key to the city, but let’s face it- your job is to fight crime at all hours, risk your life and health, and sacrifice your free time, and yet you wouldn’t receive the most important type of gratitude:

That’s right. It’s a pro-bono job. Sure, Bruce Wayne might not have needed the extra dough, but you would. And, even if the city wanted to pay you, they couldn’t, because that would mean giving away your identity. Also, there isn’t exactly an address to the Batcave in the Yellow Pages . This is why Clark Kent and Peter Parker were forced to work at shitty local papers.

Translation: even though he put his ass on the line every night, Peter Parker had to be J.J. Jameson’s butt boy every morning just to pay his bills.

Which brings us to…

Reason #3:  No Free Time, or “No Sleep (til Gotham)”
Let’s face it- crime isn’t exactly a 9 to 5 thing- and neither is being a superhero. So while cops have shifts and backups, you’re the only guy in town with 45 inch biceps.

Unless Mark McGwire is visiting.

What happens if you’re sick, hungover, or sleeping, and some villain decides to wreak havoc onto your town? The shit hits the fan. People have a tendency to get mad when somebody isn’t there when they needed to be. A good example of this would be every chick with daddy issues, or Austin Powers, who is upset because their daddy wasn’t there. 

What does this mean for you, then?

You know the cliche image of the superhero standing on a ledge, watching over the city?

Look familiar?


You would have to do that, too- which may seem kick-ass, until you realize you would have to do it all night, like the sleeping security guard in every crime comedy.

This may seem fine to you- afterall, computer geeks are notoriously nocturnal- until you realize that you’ll have to be up early to work at your previously mentioned shitty job.


About malkatz

I'm an aspiring comedy writer living in New Jersey. Please hire me.

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