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If Carrie Bradshaw was a Blogger: Carrie on Facebook

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Thanks to TBS’s late night/early morning Sex and the City reruns, I have become very familiar with the show. What I’ve also become familiar with? The unique and never-changing style of Carrie Bradshaw’s columns. Observe.


Facebook. There comes a time in every girl’s life she must face the inevitable- her first wrinkle, her first grey hair, and the pressure to join a social networking site. Eventually, we must all cave in.

That day came for me this week while I was in Barney’s with Samantha. While purchasing a pair of zebra pumps that would turn any man into an animal, I mentioned that my face was not on Facebook, and my bagging turned to nagging. After much convincing, Samantha set up a profile for me.

Although I have seen most of my acquaintances in the buff, and I have certainly seen my share of online porn, when I finally decided to face Facebook, I was shocked to see people so exposed on the internet. Is Facebook just a lookbook- but instead of fashion, it lets us view this season’s collection of personal lives? I knew who I needed to consult- Miranda.

Miranda, cynical over Cinnabuns, had a Facebook-phobia of her own. As she and I shared a bun, Miranda shared that she did not want to share her personal information. 

When I got home, I had a friend request from Keith Major- in high school, Keith was a major pain in my backside, but now, it seemed he had a major growth in his backside. I wondered- should I add him? By clicking ‘accept,’ instead of ‘reject,’ was I accepting his rejection of my feelings? By requesting my friendship, is he saying he already considered me a friend, or wanted me to become his friend? Does a Facebook friend have to be your friend? I needed a second opinion.

While noshing at Nobu with Charlotte, I mentioned my dilemma. A former art dealer and an admirer of DaVinci, Charlotte had her own Code. According to the York-Goldenblatt golden rulebook, hitting “reject” is simply rude. Charlotte insisted I add Keith to my network.  I did. When I got home, full of edamame and enlightenment, I clicked his profile. At first I felt dirty, like a citizen accidentally given Top Secret files, but then, like the time I accidentally obtained the Givenchy catalog a month early, I couldn’t help but snoop.    

It seems that Keith, who was so cool in the ’80s he was possibly the first member to wear a Members Only jacket, now kills yellowjackets- in an exterminator’s jacket. I learned that he is a divorced father of two, and, while he lost ninety percent of his hair, he gained ninety pounds on his body. I read the wall posts from his furious ex-wife and sifted through pictures of him at the 27th Annual Crossword Puzzle Tournament- and, just as he now kills pests, the thought of Keith as a pest was now killed.

And that’s when it hit me- Facebook is the cyber equivalent of a 10 year reunion- but, instead of free cocktails and awkward handshakes, we share Farmville gifts and shameless pokes. And, after my sophomore Sociology sweetheart- who dumped me on a staircase, leaving me with a broken heart and a broken stiletto- left me a photo comment, I relaxed. We were reuinited… and it felt so good.


About malkatz

I'm an aspiring comedy writer living in New Jersey. Please hire me.

4 responses »

  1. This is pretty brilliant, Mallory! You really stay in character throughout the piece. The topic is really true to Carrie’s character, since she is so hesitant to embrace new technologies in any form. I remember the early episodes where no one showed up for her birthday, and she didn’t know why because she didn’t have a cell phone, and they kept leaving her voice mails at her apartment. Well done! =)

  2. This is absolutely perfect. I could hear it narrated in Sarah Jessica Parker’s voice, and it was like I was imagining clips of the episode happening in between paragraphs.

    I hate the show. I think that’s why I like your take on it. Very well done.

  3. A great, fun read. I agree – it really does sound just like Carrie’s voice! Well done and thanks for sharing!

  4. Pingback: EXCLUSIVE! First look at The Bloodhound Gang’s New Single! | The Katz Meow

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