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The Katz Meow: Solving the World’s Problems

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Today, I checked my Formspring and noticed this question in my inbox:

Hey! I know you’re Jewish and pretty politically nutral, [sic] do you have an opinion on the Middle East conflict?

Well, anonymous friend, I can do you one better: I have a solution to the Middle East conflict. And here it is:

(Before I move on with this entry, I have to remind my readers that this is a comedy blog. I will not be preaching, offending or accusing in this post, and expect the same from the comment replies. Okay… here goes.)


I have worked with many children in my life. I have looked after newborns, taught preschoolers, elementary and middle schoolers, and have been a babysitter to toddlers, kindergarteners, teenagers, and every age in between. As someone who has watched, and temporarily replaced, mothers for children of all shapes, sizes, and temperaments, here is my diagnosis for the Middle East:

The motherland is in need of a mother.

Everyone knows that, if two children, or two groups of children, are fighting over something, the solution is to take it away from them. It’s common sense. And yet, the world has watched two children fight over a toy for over two thousand years without so much as putting our hands on our hips and counting to three in a stern voice. So what do we do?

One big, scary country- or, perhaps, a group of big, scary countries- needs to take that tiny strip of land away from those whiny kids. Since they can’t decide whose it is, we should step in and decide it is no one’s, and, just to make sure the fighting stops, give it to someone completely impartial or particularly deserving, like Texas, Sweden, or Captain Sully.

So happy together.

And then what?

Like children, Israel and Palestine will claim to hate their mother- and eachother- for a few weeks, but then they will get tired of it.

So there you go: problem solved. Don’t thank me- I’m just a simple blogger doing her job.


About malkatz

I'm an aspiring comedy writer living in New Jersey. Please hire me.

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