First of all, I want you to know I love you. Yes, we’ve had some rough spots- I’ve never cared for Triscuits, despite its memorable endorsement in Billy Madison, and Weird Al’s song ‘The White Stuff’ sounds more like an ode to semen, but it is important to note that I have had some truly wonderful times with you- buying five packs of Nutter Butters and eating them in one sitting, Chewy Chips Ahoy, putting tuna fish on Wheat Thins and Ritz Crackers, and, of course, every experience I’ve ever had with an Oreo.
Oreos are, perhaps, one of the greatest cookies known to mankind. Often imitated but never duplicated, there is something truly magical about the grainy, icing like creme sandwiched between two crisp chocolate cookies. These days, I enjoy mini Golden Creme Oreos by the handful. As a child, my mother only bought low-fat Oreos, which were addictive in and of themselves, but I remember taking a bite of my very first regular Oreo and thinking I found God. Delicious. And, frankly, I am shocked I have written this much without mentioning the granddaddy of all Oreos- the Double Stuf. There are few things as satisfying as putting two Double Stuf Oreos together and making a Quadruple Stuf. Yes, the Oreo is amongst Earth’s greatest achievements.
Which is why I am disappointed, Nabisco. It came to my attention about three years ago that the Oreo gained a distant cousin- the cakester. I assume that these two cousins get along, and any friend of the Oreo is a friend of mine (except for Triscuits- seriously, they’re like chomping on sandpaper.) My issue is not with the Cakester. I have never had one, but I assure you I fully support it, and its right to exist. I am Pro-Cakester.
What pains me is its ad campaign. I studied advertising for six months, so I clearly know what I’m talking about here when I say it needs revision. Let’s review: your ads revolve around a debate- to dunk, or not to dunk, the Cakesters. The problem here is that this debate is entirely self-generated and forced. In the grand scheme of things, the Cakester is a new product, and so this debate amongst consumers is weak, if not non-existent. You are not touching upon a hot-button issue or referencing a question constantly asked by Cakester eaters (who will, for the rest of this article, be referred to as Cakeheads.) Yes, the Facebook page you created has fans, but that is because some people are suckers for free tie-ins.
However, if you truly wanted to play the “pick a team” gimmick, you should used the one Nabisco product that does have a debate attached to it- the Oreo. It is hotly debated amongst Oreo eaters- ranging from ages five to ninety five- how an Oreo should be eaten. Do you pop it, twist it, lick the cream off, eat one cookie, dunk it, and then eat, or should you shove the whole thing in your mouth? That, Nabisco, is the million dollar question- one that has naturally evolved and has been perpetuated by generations of Oreo eaters, and will be for generations to come. It would have been smart to take advantage of this, rather than spend money on an ad campaign based on an issue hardly anyone cares about. Everyone has had an Oreo, and everyone has an opinion on how to do so. You missed a large opportunity- Team Twist shirts, Facebook fan pages for each technique, announcements on how each is doing in a nationwide poll, and so on and so forth. You could have even had coupons for Oreo Cakesters for all who participated in certain Team activities if you were so eager to push them.
There is a difference between the little girl asking the wise owl how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop and asking Cakeheads to choose sides when they weren’t aware of the issue. One is a challenge and another is simply a bad idea.
Nabisco, you have a problem. I need you to confront it- first, admit that this ad campaign was not a good idea.
Now, since I owe you one or two hundred (I haven’t even mentioned the time I had Nutter Butter and chocolate fondue- a thank you wouldn’t hardly cover this experience,) I will help you. In fact, since you’re such a good friend, and you work so hard, I’ll do your homework for you- but don’t make this a habit.
Here is your new ad campaign:
Your current ad campaign is based around people fighting with their loved ones over baked goods. This is a mistake, and, although we can forgive, we can’t forget. Therefore, your new campaign will be a sequel.
The new campaign will be all about unity. “Whether or not you like to dunk,” you will say, “everyone can enjoy a nice, [adjective(s)] Oreo Cakester. Get one today.”
But you won’t stop there. You will have imagery of peace, unity and understanding- it will look like a hippie’s wet dream. Meadows, rainbows, butterflies, you name it. In fact- here’s a scenerio: there are two Viking-like armies- the Dunksters and the Non-Dunksters. They are about to charge at each other, when one doe-eyed little boy emerges from the crowd. He will say something on the lines of the following: “Stop! Can’t you guys see what this is doing to us? We’ve been so busy fighting over dunking or not dunking, that we’ve forgotten what this is all about- the Cakester.” He will then take one out of his pocket. “Don’t you realize? It doesn’t matter which way you like to eat it- just that you eat it.” This may or may go on, and might start to remind people of the Gay Rights debate. Either way, the two armies will start nodding, looking enlightened. At the end of the commercial, warriors are seen eating Cakesters and milk at a picnic table. If you wanted, at the end, someone will see a warrior drinking his milk with a straw, and say “you don’t drink milk with a straw! Everyone knows the right way is to sip it,” which will then start another debate. Or, an alternate ending would be to a title card- “Oreo Cakesters: Bringing People Together.”
The rest of the campaign will revolve around people telling stories of their strife- one woman was a dunker, but her roommates weren’t, for instance- and thanking Nabisco, or Oreo Cakesters, for showing them how silly they were being. So on and so forth.
Now that I have given you flattery, an intervention, some tough love, and a brand new ad campaign, am confident I have fixed this snafu. If you feel the need to send me free products, I will not talk you out of it.
The Katz Meow