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New Column Up at Holy Taco! Unaltered Text Here.

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The second installment of “HUH?!” is up- in case you don’t know, “HUH?!” is a column in which I give awful advice to desperate men.

This time around, my answers were revised by the Holy Taco staff for publication, so I thought I’d post the unedited text here, in case any of you like it better:

I am a 51 year old, twice married man who stands 5’ 4” tall.
My questions have to do with my difficulty finding  partners due to my height.
What is the best way to overcome this height prejudice? Why do most women list the qualities they are looking for in their online profiles, then when a man (like me) with those qualities responds, they ignore them?
-Nothing Lacking Here
Height, shmite. You are probably one or more of the following: really poor, in possession of a really small dick, or are ignoring a vital flaw and hiding behind your issue- or, from the sound of your stature, a moderately-sized rock.
 
The best way to overcome this prejudice is to threaten every woman you meet with a discrimination lawsuit if she seems to dislike you. This will scare her into submission. Or, take a page from the book of my people, the Jews (not the Torah, the one about dating and coupon clipping… we keep it in the back.) Tell stories of how you’ve been persecuted- give ’em a real sob story. Try not to bore them, though, like you just did with me. Really make sure you guilt trip the girl into sleeping with you. Hey, it worked for my parents!
 
The reason women list qualities they aren’t really looking for on online dating sites is because they want to hide the fact they have no substance, happiness or sanity. Try listing things like “tolerant of poo fetish activities,” “not afraid to watch a woman cry for hours on end,” and “I don’t care if your picture is actually from six years ago.”
 
If all else fails, try injecting some of Stretch Armstrong’s genes into your veins. Not too much, though, or every erection you have will slam against a wall.
 
All jokes aside, though, it is important that you are able to feel confident with yourself. Just because you don’t physically match what is desirable to women doesn’t mean you should stop persuing of them, and, even though you are less of a man physically, you are not less of a man mentally. Fuck societal consensus. Fuck the average girl. The woman who will find you attractive? She is truly special.
I’m in a friends-with-benefits arrangement with a woman I get along with really well, and I am interested in a real relationship. I know she’s open to it, but there’s one thing holding me back: She’s overweight. And while it doesn’t matter to me, it restricts what’s possible in bed. Do I talk to her about it? If so, how?
– Some Dude
First of all, you’re in an “arrangement?” That’s pretty official-sounding. I mean, that seems legit. Was there paperwork and everything?
 
Second- I say absolutely talk to her about it, and as bluntly as possible. Girls aren’t very sensitive about their weight, despite what the media may tell you, and beating around the bush will just piss her off. Sit her down (although, let’s be honest, she was probably sitting anyway) and tell her what’s what- you want to get laid, and you don’t just want the salad bar- you want the whole buffet.
 
Then you tell her that she is the issue- not you, not your bed, not society- her. Tell her straight up, “you are limiting my sexual options.” If she doesn’t immediately start running on the treadmill due to guilt, remind her that it is her duty as Friend with Benefits to be the best lay possible.
 
If this doesn’t work, find some hot, skinny chicks and engage in an orgy. Then, arrange for your friend to walk in. Smirk and say, “sorry, I didn’t see you there… I was fucking some skinny chicks.” This oughtta do it.
 
Finally, I must tell you that you are wrong- the only limitation you will encounter with fat girl sex is the weight limitation of your bed. Even then, you can always fuck in the grass- there may be some huge fatties on this planet, but no one’s ever managed to make a hole to the core of the Earth due to their weight…. yet.
 
Somewhere, Donna Simpson just found her new life goal.
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About malkatz

I'm an aspiring comedy writer living in New Jersey. Please hire me.

3 responses »

  1. That was extremely unfunny. I had a hard time getting through the first paragraph. Stopped reading somewhere in the middle.

    Reply
  2. I had a hard time reading your reply. I stopped reading after the 6th letter. I mean, TWO “a’s” in the first half dozen letters? How original of you! Save up and buy another vowel, you hack!

    ps- people don’t ever comment on stuff they really haven’t read. You’re not fooling anyone.

    Reply

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