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Tweets of the Week

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Follow me on Twitter here. (@malkatz)

Lately, I’ve been at a loss in terms of what to write about on this blog- however, I am constantly thinking of jokes to tweet. I don’t imagine readers would appreciate it if all my posts were random thoughts and jokes under 140 characters, so I don’t put them here. I have decided to do a feature called Tweets of the Week, highlighting my favorites of the jokes I’ve tweeted.

I added links to each individual tweet, in case you want to share or retweet it.

These tweets are in random order, so read them all- your favorite may be towards the bottom.

All links open in a new window.


“If you’re happy and you know it, you’re on the right dose. ” (link)

“I want to make a band and name it ‘Nobody,’ just so the bratty teenagers who are asked what they’re listening to will be telling the truth. ” (link)

“Anyone who says they can just eat one Rolo is a liar. They should call it what it is: a Rolo bar.” (link)

“I wish Twitter was around in Hitler’s days. I would love to see his tweets… ‘Just walked Blondi #aryanpride #yesiknowimnotaryan #heilme ” (link)

“If Ghandi tweeted: ‘Sooo starving… but I’m at peace with it.‘ ” (link)

“When I found out pickles were actually cucumbers, it blew my mind. That was two weeks ago” (link)

“I wish ebony and ivory could live together in harmony- instead, they always bleed after a rinse cycle. ” (link)

“If a tree in the woods falls on a Jewish woman, does anybody STOP hearing about it?” (link)

“David Caruso is so intimidating.” (link)

“Brass Monkey is my jam. Even when doped up on allergy pills, I need to get funky to it with my white girl moves. ” (link)

“When people misuse the word ‘literally,’ it literally makes me question their intelligence.” (link)

“It is said the best things in life are free, and there is no such thing as a free lunch, so, obviously, lunch fucking sucks. TEAM DINNER!” (link)

“Is a burp just a fart of the mouth?” (link)

“Mosque, shmoque… I’m offended that they put a Burger King two blocks from my local farm. Chickens DIED THERE, people. ” (link)

“Stephanie Meyers claims to be sick of the vampire hype. Isn’t that kind of like the Beatles being sick of the British Invasion?” (link) (Alternate ending: “…isn’t that like BP saying they’re sick of hearing about the Gulf oil? [link] )

“Gay Marriage called California… they put it on hold.” (link)

“Ask not what you would do for a Klondike bar, but what your Klondike bar would do for YOU. ” (link)

“I’m fat because my love of food is directly proportional to my hatred of excercise. ” (link)

“Juggalos threw rocks at Tila Tequila at a convention today… With all that clown makeup, it’s a wonder she didn’t fit in. ” (link) (Alternate: “…maybe she was too hardcore?” [link]

Let me know if you liked any of them!

By the way, I’d just like to thank anyone who has Retweeted any of my tweets (that includes you, Horatio Sanz!)  I am constantly getting new followers from Retweets, and, even when I don’t, it is an honor and a compliment to see that someone likes something I wrote!


About malkatz

I'm an aspiring comedy writer living in New Jersey. Please hire me.

One response »

  1. I am going to have make a Twitter account just so I can get your tweets.
    I always wanted to write a book where the main hero and the main bad guy were named Protagonist and Antagonist, just because.

    “David Caruso is so intimidating.” I think is my favorite, and I agree, every time I saw him when they did their CSI Whatever plugs during a show, and he does one of those stupid numbers where he is in the bottom of the screen, crossing his arms and looking all sternly…
    I about crap my pants from the intimidation factor.
    I think its the hair, he looks like Conan O’Brien’s much more intimidating older brother and I am afraid of gingers… they are just creepy.


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