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Tweets of the Week…ish

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Have a Twitter account? Follow me on Twitter! (@malkatz)

Last week’s top tweets. Sorry about the delay… EDIT: Turns out my last TWOT (go ahead, laugh at that acronym) post was the 22nd, which means I should have posted a new one on the 29th, which means this one is ten days late. I will include tweets from August 23rd up to September 5th, and include the 6th and 7th in my next post.

I linked to every tweet in case you want to RT it- which I always appreciate!

(All links open in separate windows.)

“Voldemort. There, I said it.”  (link)

“I just remembered, when I met Paris Hilton, she was chewing gum. I’m shocked… Does that mean she thought it was cocaine?” (link)

“I swear to God a guy just messaged me with the following pick-up line: ‘hey girl. did u just fart cuz ur pic blew me away’ ” (link)

“Would you guys be any more interested in my tweets if I told you I wrote them while wearing a schoolgirl uniform?” (link)

“Rom coms need to stop casting pretty girls as suffering average chicks. Kate Hudson isn’t exactly the poster child of sympathy.” (link)

“Without all the supernatural junk, Twilight is really just a story about a young girl who meets an older man and gets knocked up. Charming.” (link)

“Oatmeal is like an erection… the longer you ignore it, the harder it gets.” (link)

 “At what age does the word ‘daddy’ go from sweet to pornographic?” (link)

“I honestly just thought a commercial opened with ‘it’s clitoris time!’ (It said ‘clearance,’ I had to rewind it.)” (link)

“I could never take Hurricane Earl seriously. I can’t help but picture it with a moustache and a karma list, flanked by @EthanSuplee.” (link)

“Any Given Cumday #pornparodytitles RT: @[requester removed] Any Given Sunday” (link)

“TransPerformers: Revenge of the Bald End #pornparodytitles RT: @[requester removed] Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” (link)

“I read that as “public shitting,” and now your complaint seems less valid. RT: @[name removed] I hate public spitting in the sidewalk.” (link)

“Can you imagine if someone got Mel Gibson and Mel Brooks mixed up?” (link

“I always thought it would be funny if, after all this time, the Trix rabbit turned out to be allergic to Trix.” (link)

“I just saw somebody’s tattoo of Gumby being crucified on a cross while daydreaming about an ice cream cone. That is all.” (link)

“When my Formspring inbox is empty, it makes me worry I am no longer interesting to strange men on the internet.” (link)

“Mel Gibson: proof that there IS such a thing as bad publicty.” (link)

 “I swear I’m a hypochondriac, but people tell me it’s just in my head.” (link)

“Ugly babies: life’s biggest dissapointment.” (link)

 “I’m pretty sure, when I’m a senior citizen, I’m going to look back and say, ‘I wish I was sluttier.’ ” (link)

“If I ever make a deodorant, I’m going to call it Pit Stop.” (link)

“Whenever a stranger tweets me to tell me my joke was offensive, it makes me really happy, because that means strangers read my jokes.” (link)

“Austism, shautism… Can we address the total lesbian vibe coming off Temple Grandin? Now THAT’S a TV movie.” (link)

“Edie Falco: ‘At 94, my grandma decided to start a new chapter in life.’ Yeah… It’s called the epilogue.” (link)

“Hearing we have Doritos, then finding out they are Nacho Cheese is like hearing a Kardashian wants to fuck you, then finding out it’s Khloe.”  (post)

“I feel like a Twitter whore… not because I tweet a lot, but because I want to have sex with most of you.” (link)

“The best thing about being out with your dad on a Saturday night is that it is in no way pathetic.” (link)

“Why am I so obsessed with my boobs? I just love them so much. I may have feelings for them.” (link)

 ” ‘Are THESE the droids you’re looking for?’ -if there were magicians in Star Wars.” (link)


About malkatz

I'm an aspiring comedy writer living in New Jersey. Please hire me.

One response »

  1. Pingback: Tweets that mention Tweets of the Week…ish « The Katz Meow --

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