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Tweets of the AtthispointIgiveupontheweeklypostthing

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My Twitter highlights from 9/06- 9/21.

Don’t follow me on Twitter? What are you waiting for?!

I included links to each tweet (all of them open in a new window) in case you want to share, favorite, or RT.

These are in semi-reverse chronological order, not ranking order, so your favorite may be in the middle or end.

‘Back in MY day, people used to get dressed up to go to the K-Mart.’ -when white trash gets old” (link)

“Still not on fire.” (link)

“Just saying, I’m a much better one-upper than you.” (link)

“Going through my spam… I wish this crap were true- then I’d have $25 mil and a bigger penis.” (link)

“I should probably sleep… but, then, what would I do all afternoon?” (link)

“They should remake Joannie Loves Chachi, but, this time around, it should be called Brick Loves Lamp. Are you with me, @ghostpanther?” (link)

“I truly believe someone should charge Kevin Federline for desecrating a national monument.” (link)

“Going into McDonalds and ordering a salad is like going into a brothel and saying you’re gay.”  (link)

“What happens if you’re addicted to rehab?” (link)

“The funniest thing about book burnings is that they usually need to buy the books first.” (link)

“This is a typical Saturday night for me:

“Why doesn’t @jtimberlake endorse McDonalds anymore? I guess he’s no longer lovin’ it.” (link)

‘That was great,’ said the man from Child Services, ‘but I still need to take your kids away.’ #lastlineofbadromancenovels (link)

‘Just one more thing,’ she said to him, ‘I’m HIV positive.’ #lastlineofbadromancenovels(link)

” She smiled- and who could blame her? She had it all…except for a vagina. #lastlineofbadromancenovels(link)

“Just walked out of the hair salon and ran into my rabbi. I’m 99% sure he was completely hungover.” (link)

“Whoever said “money can’t buy happiness” never heard of Prozac.” (link)

“Happy 9/12, everyone! 9 years ago today, Muslim became the new Black.” (link)

“If Jimmy cracked corn in the woods and no one was around to hear it, would anyone care?” (link)

“Why doesn’t Elton John want the sun to go down on him? Is it a girl?” (link)

“I feel like my follower count is too low… now I’ll be forced to buy flashy things to compensate for its small size.” (link)

“She told me she went golfing, but I didn’t believe her- her story had too many holes.” (link)

“I wonder if a lot of people call Johnny Weir an Ice Queen.” (link)

Comment with your favorite tweet!


About malkatz

I'm an aspiring comedy writer living in New Jersey. Please hire me.

One response »

  1. boom chica wowow


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