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Tweet Highlights- I’m Funny, Right?

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Here are my best tweets from 9/30-10/17.

I included links to each tweet (all of them open in a new window) in case you want to share, favorite, or RT.

These are in semi-reverse chronological order, not ranking order, so your favorite may be in the middle or end.

“I want to make a line of nail files for toenails and call them Pedifiles.” (link)

“I want to write a sequel to PS: I Love You called PSS: Not Really, where it turns out he wasn’t dying, he just left her for his secret wife.” (link)

“I just saw George Washington Carver on a list of historical gay figures. He was gay?! News to me. Then again… he did love nuts.” (link)

“Dear lady in front of me in Starbucks, thigh high boots are not for the 55 and over crowd. Unless you’re famous… and this is Jersey.” (link)

“I would really like to see The Bicurious Case of Benjamin Button. Also, does it pay to make up titles for porn? I think that’s my calling.” (link)

“Just wanted to say I’m really glad none of you are on fire.” (link)

“I hate it when I’m having sex with a guy and he tells me I remind him of his mother.” (link)

“You shouldn’t really hold me accountable for anything I say. Unless you found it funny.” (link)

“Ringo must have gotten all the reject groupies.” (link)

“Those who live in glass houses shouldn’t live on Wisteria Lane.” (link)

“One of the greatest images of all time. Just… look:

“I feel for my laptop the way I imagine my mom feels about me- I love it, but I really wish I could trade it in for a better one.” (link)

“I plan on saving a bunch of money by marrying a gynecologist.” (link)

“If I ever make a brand of deodorant, I’m gonna call it B.O.dorant.” (link)

“You know what sucks? Having an orgy with an odd number of people.” (link)

“Thursday is a total cock tease.” (link)

“This woman is possibly the classiest model alive:

“Are you smiling? If so, read this: Justin Bieber makes $300,000 a night.” (link)

“Alcoholism ruins families, but sobriety ruins family events.” (link)

“What life after Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell will look like:

“If you need to see something adorable:

“Thanks to DVR, I now have brand new ways of hoarding. ‘I don’t care if that recording is two months old, I might want to watch it someday!’ ” (link)

“I want to open a gay club with a built-in sandwich place. I’ll call it SubGay- and we, too, will have five dollar footlongs.” (link)

About malkatz

I'm an aspiring comedy writer living in New Jersey. Please hire me.

One response »

  1. Pingback: Tweets that mention Tweet Highlights- I’m Funny, Right? « The Katz Meow --

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