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This Month’s Tweet Highlights- The Only Funny Things I Said This Month

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Here are my best tweets from 10/18-11/10.

I included links to each tweet (all of them open in a new window) in case you want to share, favorite, or RT.

These are in semi-reverse chronological order, not ranking order, so your favorite may be in the middle or end.

 “What if, while in the process of checking yourself, you accidentally wreck yourself?” (link)

“My dad raped a lady at a local country club. Just kidding! Jews aren’t allowed in country clubs.” (link)

“I don’t get it. Gay-only cruises are all fine and dandy, but the moment you try to make a STRAIGHT-ONLY cruise…” (link)

“Forgive and forget?” It’s easier to drink and forget. (link)

“Cell phones will now be able to detect STDs- that’s great, but will it work for sextually transmitted diseases? (Link: http://bit.ly/93w5ka)” (link)

“It amazes me how the GLEE kids know every word to every song they spontaneously sing.” (link)

“Please make this happen. RT: @ApprenticeNBC @bretmichaels The Donald loves to rock out. We’re thinking a duet of Every Rose Has Its Thorn?” (link)

It’s just like my mother used to tell me- “if you have nothing interesting to say, don’t tweet anything at all.” (link)

“RTing- the new Top 8? Discuss.” (link)

“You make me/feel like I’m living a/nocturnal emission. #ifKatyPerrysongswerewrittenbymiddleschoolboys(link)

“I Kissed a Girl (No, Seriously!) #ifKatyPerrysongswerewrittenbymiddleschoolboys(link)

“No joke, someone programmed a chair to tweet whenever someone farts on it.” (link)

“I think Facebook decreased its font as a subtle hint to those over 50 to get out.” (link)

“I think they have a reality show for every profession now. When are we going to see Til Death Do Us Mart, about a couple who own a K-Mart?” (link)

“Don’t get too attached to Chapelle’s Show. Just… trust me. #tweetyour16yearoldself(link)

“I love how the conventionalists have groggers. I guess they’re all Jewish in Transylvania? (Rocky Horror)” (link)

“Screwing up my menstrual cycle. #thingswomenshouldstopdoing(link)

“Being prettier than me. #thingswomenshouldstopdoing(link)

I wonder if, when “flossing” was ghetto slang, that made more hood kids floss. If so, we should make “reading” slang. Or “wearing a condom.” (link)

“Hey… so, I see you have a vagina.” #badconversationstarters (link)

“Guy just tried to insult me by saying I love dick. How is that in any way offensive? What would be insulting is if he said I love HIS dick.” (link)

“Myspace just messaged me on Myspace. Man, that is so sad. It’s like an ex begging you to reconsider after dumping them. In 2007.” (link)

“I decided, to make things more fair, girls should start demanding guys put makeup on their dicks. Especially self-tanner.” (link)

“My local news just advertised they have “more accountability,” but didn’t say “than [other station,]” so I guess they’re bullshitting less?” (link)

“Breaking up (polymers) is hard to do.” (link)

“What do you MEAN, sleeping is for nighttime?” (link)

“You probably love it because it feels like my womb.” -Mom, on why I choose baths over showers (link)

“I just realized I never got a reply from the Spice Girls. Maybe my letter’s been lost in the mail since 1996?” (link)

“The ladies’ guide to surviving a horror movie, #472: Do NOT, under any circumstances, wear an oversized mens’ shirt without pants.” (link)

“Udders, udders, everywhere, but not a drop to drink. #dilemmasofthelactoseintolerant(link)

“Sometimes, I wish I had a penis, just so I could tell half the jokes I come up with without sounding ironic.” (link)

“I still remember the plots of some of the pornographic Harry Potter fanfiction I read when I was 11. #whyIgototherapy(link)

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About malkatz

I'm an aspiring comedy writer living in New Jersey. Please hire me.

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