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My New Source of Humor: Online Dating (Pt. 2)

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My therapists parents colleauges keep telling me I need to get out more.

They always insist, on top of everything, “it will help with your comedy!”

But they were wrong. Dead wrong.

All I needed was a profile on a dating site.

In the past 24 hours, I found two absolute princes.

The first… and then this one.

I thought the first was great, but then this one blew it out of the water.

Seriously, read it. And I apologize for the left side getting cut off a bit.

(Click for full-sized.)

Okay, so I know you didn’t just read that.

It is a really long profile. I get it.

Instead, read these highlights:

His headline, of course, is “looking for a lazy, ugly, obese woman.” The catch? He then goes on to say:

ATTN: FAT GIRLS

STOP
MESSAGING
ME.

I
DON’T
LIKE
FAT
CHICKS.

I
REALLY
REALLY
REALLY
REALLY
REALLY
REALLY

DON’T

LIKE

FAT

CHICKS.

He also says, in his looooong list of requirements:

NO FAT CHICKS, EITHER.
(i really goddamn mean that too… i’m a pretty good lookin guy and take care of myself for the most part. and i will be in really fantastic shape by this summer. so if you’re a goddamn whale… don’t bother messaging me. go get on a treadmill and take care of yourself instead of sending me an email to tell me that i’m shallow for not liking your fat disgusting ass)

You might wonder why he would have that as his headline? Look for further than his interests, where he lists:

good sarcasm ie not 99% of what people call sarcasm

Another inconsistency:

– i really would love to be with someone that thinks of me all the time and lets me know it ALL the time.
– BUT NO CREEPERS
– SERIOUSLY, NO CREEPERS.

Really? And these are placed right next to each other.

I know guys have different opinions of what is creepy than girls- believe me, I know, but, in my book, thinking about someone on a second-to-second basis- and letting them know– is the very definition of a “creeper.”  

So anyway, back to Prince Charming.

i’m a bouncer at two popular bars (entering into the police academy soon and becomin a cop… don’t plan on bouncing for a career… just so you know) and i can get pretty much any girl i want. i’m on here to meet a chick that’s worth wifin up. THAT DOESN’T MEAN I WANT TO MEET A DESPERATE, UGLY SCHLEP THAT’S HOPELESSLY LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP ON THE EFFING INTERNET.

Oh man. There is nothing girls love more than denial. Asshat McGee is clearly making every effort to make it known he doesn’t need or want to be on a dating site, and yet… there he is.

Also, how can it be that someone with possibly the single most detailed profile on a dating site only needed one sentence to make his mission unsuccessful? “THAT DOESN’T MEAN I WANT TO MEET A DESPERATE, UGLY SCHLEP THAT’S HOPELESSLY LOOKING FOR A RELATIONSHIP ON THE EFFING INTERNET.”

So… he’s looking for a girl on the internet who isn’t looking for a guy on the internet.

Oh, and he misused a Yiddish word.

Want to know what else he’s looking for?

– IF YOU CAN’T SPELL, DON’T EFFING TRY AND TALK TO ME
– i don’t drink or act a fool… if you do, i probably will hate you… unless you’re super hot. then that MIGHT make up for it. oh wait… no, it won’t. my ex was super hot and i dumped her ass anyways for that silly shit.
– i hate stupid people.
– i’m tired as hell as i’m typing this
– NO STRIPPERS
– NO FAT CHICKS, EITHER.
(i really goddamn mean that too… i’m a pretty good lookin guy and take care of myself for the most part. and i will be in really fantastic shape by this summer. so if you’re a goddamn whale… don’t bother messaging me. go get on a treadmill and take care of yourself instead of sending me an email to tell me that i’m shallow for not liking your fat disgusting ass)
– NO FAT STRIPPERS
– i like awesome movies and cuddling
– NO DANDRUFF
– i’m very affectionate
– NO PENDING LEGAL CASES
– i love kids and would really love to have one… i’d be a great dad
– NO EX-BOYFRIENDS THAT YOU’RE STILL “JUST FRIENDS” WITH AND TEXT EVERY DAMN DAY
– i love rice chex
– NO SMELLY GIRLS ALLOWED
– i always smell nice.
– NO DIRTY FINGERNAILS, EITHER.
– i really would love to be with someone that thinks of me all the time and lets me know it ALL the time.
– BUT NO CREEPERS
– SERIOUSLY, NO CREEPERS.
– i love chess
– i love music
– i love sex
– i really love sex
– no seriously, i like it a whole lot.
– and i’m super at it.
– NO DADDY ISSUES… I AM NOT YOUR DAD… DON’T ****ING HAVE ME FULFILL SOME STUPID FATHER FIGURE ROLE AND THEN INUNDATE ME WITH LOTS OF BAGGAGE FROM YOUR GODDAMN CHILDHOOD
– one of the greatest things in life is just to love… and be loved in return.
– WHAT A LOAD OF sh*tTHAT IS
– i hate it when the person i’m with makes me feel like i’m nothin but a fallback when i make it clear they are my top priority
– every girl i’ve ever loved has cheated on me.
– 😦
– NO CHEATING ALLOWED
– i don’t like girls that don’t cry. it’s weird.
– I ALSO DON’T LIKE GIRLS THAT CRY ALL THE TIME
– i’m really getting a kick out of this alternating between normal talking
– AND YELLING
– i really find it quite funny
– DO YOU??
– aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand i’m done.
– for now.

Some points on that list:

  • Wow. He is so uninformed. Isn’t in the Jerk Rulebook to always go for the chicks with daddy issues? It should be. They put out, man! After all, he’s not looking for a relationship, anyway, right?
  • I do have to admire how precise he is, though: no strippers, no fat chicks, and no strippers. All that leaves is… sexy male strippers, actually.
  • “No pending legal cases?” Does that include traffic tickets, hit and runs, slip and fall accidents, malpractice suits,  and jury duty? What if she’s a lawyer, or a judge?
  • Calling the Beatles “bullshit?” Total lady boner bait.
  • Advertising you’re really, really good at sex is just silly. It’s the exact same thing as “the lady doth protest too much.” It’s “the shit stain doth brag too much.” Also, you ever wonder why foods never straight out say “buy us, because we taste super good?” Because that’s bullshit. No one buys that. It just seems like they’re trying to insist on something they don’t hear enough.
  • My only dream is that a man like this raises my children.

Seriously, just read that image. I can’t do this justice. I could go on for hours.

Tomorrow, you will see how I used my online dating profile to troll an all-to-eager loser.

So, in conclusion, therapists parents colleauges need to shut up. And I just found your new boyfriend.

PS: Comment on your thoughts from the profile!

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About malkatz

I'm an aspiring comedy writer living in New Jersey. Please hire me.

2 responses »

  1. This may sound a bit silly, but I recently met an interesting girl who works at a strip club and I think she’s not only beautiful, but smart and fun to talk to….do you think it’s possible to actually date a las vegas stripper, or should I just forget about it?

    Reply
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