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Author Archives: malkatz

Spoiler-free Haiku Review of Super 8

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Quirky kids are cute/

The ’70s were so mint/

Cloverfield again?


SNL Recap: Ed Helms/Paul Simon

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Wolf Blitzer and other newscasters are summarizing a speech Obama made earlier that day. Apparently, due to the killing of Bin Laden, Obama has become quite cocky and overly confident. Some of the things Obama did in his speech: freely smoking (what might be pot, judging by context, but looks more like a cigarette,) bringing every subject back to Bin Laden’s death, cracking up at his own jokes, turning the speech into a stand-up routine, creating catchphrases (“kiiiiiiiiiiilled Bin Laden”, “…you might be a terrorist,”) doing a dance, and firing t-shirt guns.

Quote highlights:

“…George W. Bush, the 43rd President… 43rd President to not kill Bin Laden!”

“Did you ever notice how white presidents are like, [in a mousy Bush voice] ‘we’re gonna find Bin Laden no matter where he hides.’ Black presidents like (sic,) ‘you dead, bitch!’ Kiiiiiiiiiiilled Bin Laden.” Read the rest of this entry

Here I am bragging about the picture I made for my new Tumblr.

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(Click the pic to add me on Tumblr!)

SNL Recap/Review for Punchline Mag: Helen Mirren

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I am honored to be the new Saturday Night Live recap/reviewer!

My first can be found right here-



What it is/What I saw: In Which I Invent a Teen Drama

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WHAT IT IS: An ad for Vera Wang’s new scent, Preppy Princess.

WHAT I SAW: A promo for a new teen drama.

Check it out.

And yes, the second I saw this in my Seventeen magazine, I had a title and a backstory for each of the characters.

The show? Private School Confessions. 

And here are the cast of characters. (Open this link or the picture below in a new tab or window to avoid having to scroll up/down to read.)


Travis- In middle school, he was an aspiring artist. However, a summer spent in Australia gave him a love of surfing and volleyball. Now he is a star soccer player, much to the disdain of his mother, a former sculptor and retired art professor. He is the former step brother of Viv, and was best friends with Kaylie during their childhoods. Slowly but surely, he is coming into his bisexuality, and is terrified by his ever-increasing feelings for Blake.

Kaylie-  Pageant queen and two-time Student Council President, Kaylie is as beautiful and popular as she is naive. She is yet to realize that her mysterious but loving father is a mobster… or that his right-hand man lusts after her. Only a sophomore, she has an on and off (but mostly on) one-sided flirtation with Kevin, her lab partner in Advanced Chemistry who believes she is too young.

Kevin- A sweet, well-mannered, relatively clean cut boy, Kevin’s turmoil has nothing to do with himself. His mother, Gabrielle, is a severe and unmedicated schizophrenic. Additionally, she is now struggling with trauma from a car accident, in which she drunkenly killed a toddler, and a case of Empty Nest Syndrome. Kevin’s father, billionaire James George Duncan IV, has recently come out of the woodwork after over a decade of silence. He has been writing Kevin (real name: James Kevin Duncan V) letters at school, desperate to reunite with him. Little does Kevin know his father’s intentions are more sinister than expected.  On top of everything else, his younger sister, Sophie (unpictured,) just started her first semester attending Goldwell High, and is quickly finding her way into the wrong crowd.

Jess- The daughter of a pilot and a supermodel, Jess has her parents convinced their only daughter is a cultured, religious young woman with ambition- rather than the school slut who has been known to trade favors for European diet pills. Outgoing and bubbly, Jess is friends with anyone she deems worthy. She is self-deprecating and openly laughs about her copious sexual conquests. But will a pregnancy scare, and the true affections of Joshua, a geeky younger student, change her ways?

ROW 2, L-R.

Viv- The former stepsister of Travis, his love for art rubbed off on her. She is often seen posing nude for erotic self-portraits and full-frontal photospreads, or photographing for her Tumblr. However, she finds most of her inspiration in Blake, her muse-turned-lover-turned partner in crime.

Blake– The chip on Blake’s shoulder is that his upper middle class family could not afford to put him through Goldwell High if it weren’t for his soccer scholarship. He made a name for himself despite his insecurity by becoming a soccer celebrity and drug dealer. Although sometimes assisted by Viv, he dislikes anybody trying to find their way into his drug business, and uses men and women alike for sexual gratification, including his teammate and sometimes customer Travis, for whom he secretly has a soft spot.

Ladies and gentleman, Private School Confessions:

Oscars Live Blog- Refresh the page for updates!

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NOTE: Due to TV problems, I am watching my recording of the red carpet 30 minutes late.

Refresh this page, or read my tweets, to get updates!

I linked to each of my Tweets- please feel free to RT them!

The newest tweets will be at the top.

Read the rest of this entry

Stay tuned for my Oscars live blog!

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I will be live blogging on Twitter and this blog (like my Superbowl post.)

Stay tuned! I will start during the red carpet.