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Category Archives: Is it just me, or is this post just about me?

Here I am bragging about the picture I made for my new Tumblr.

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(Click the pic to add me on Tumblr!)

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Digital Artist? The Katz Meow needs you!

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Here’s the dealio.

I am planning to sell funny shirts through the blog, and have many ideas for shirts that require specific images.  I need clean, bold pictures with transparent backgrounds (I don’t have the software to do this.)

Here are some images I need:

  • a black/white line drawing of Reagan winking and smiling. (Winking is not an absolute requirement, but I would like it.)
  • a drunken Santa Claus, hunched over, looking intoxicated and holding a bottle. Full color please! Drunken bubbles would be great.
  • a tough-looking gangsta toddler. No specific positions, but arms crossed would be great.
  • colorful maracas- preferably small “shake” marks. Only two are necessary.

I can not pay at the moment, but I will provide free shirts to anyone who helps their design, and will pay when the shirts start selling.

Anyone who is interested, please comment on this post with an email address, or some form of contact. If you are not comfortable disclosing  contact info, please comment and I will arrange a way for us to speak.

Thanks a bunch! 🙂

Tweet Highlights- I’m Funny, Right?

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Not one of my Twitter followers? Follow me!

Here are my best tweets from 9/30-10/17.

I included links to each tweet (all of them open in a new window) in case you want to share, favorite, or RT.

These are in semi-reverse chronological order, not ranking order, so your favorite may be in the middle or end.

“I want to make a line of nail files for toenails and call them Pedifiles.” (link)

“I want to write a sequel to PS: I Love You called PSS: Not Really, where it turns out he wasn’t dying, he just left her for his secret wife.” (link)

“I just saw George Washington Carver on a list of historical gay figures. He was gay?! News to me. Then again… he did love nuts.” (link)

“Dear lady in front of me in Starbucks, thigh high boots are not for the 55 and over crowd. Unless you’re famous… and this is Jersey.” (link)

“I would really like to see The Bicurious Case of Benjamin Button. Also, does it pay to make up titles for porn? I think that’s my calling.” (link)

“Just wanted to say I’m really glad none of you are on fire.” (link)

“I hate it when I’m having sex with a guy and he tells me I remind him of his mother.” (link)

“You shouldn’t really hold me accountable for anything I say. Unless you found it funny.” (link)

“Ringo must have gotten all the reject groupies.” (link)

“Those who live in glass houses shouldn’t live on Wisteria Lane.” (link)

“One of the greatest images of all time. Just… look: http://images.regretsy.com/hanger.jpg(link)

“I feel for my laptop the way I imagine my mom feels about me- I love it, but I really wish I could trade it in for a better one.” (link)

“I plan on saving a bunch of money by marrying a gynecologist.” (link)

“If I ever make a brand of deodorant, I’m gonna call it B.O.dorant.” (link)

“You know what sucks? Having an orgy with an odd number of people.” (link)

“Thursday is a total cock tease.” (link)

“This woman is possibly the classiest model alive: http://www.wickedtemptations.com/glitter-cowl-dress-136282-prd1.htm(link)

“Are you smiling? If so, read this: Justin Bieber makes $300,000 a night.” (link)

“Alcoholism ruins families, but sobriety ruins family events.” (link)

“What life after Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell will look like: http://cheezpictureisunrelated.files.wordpress.com/2010/06/captainfabp1.jpg(link)

“If you need to see something adorable: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GnSiaKD2Aj0&feature=player_embedded(link)

“Thanks to DVR, I now have brand new ways of hoarding. ‘I don’t care if that recording is two months old, I might want to watch it someday!’ ” (link)

“I want to open a gay club with a built-in sandwich place. I’ll call it SubGay- and we, too, will have five dollar footlongs.” (link)

Tweets of the AtthispointIgiveupontheweeklypostthing

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My Twitter highlights from 9/06- 9/21.

Don’t follow me on Twitter? What are you waiting for?!

I included links to each tweet (all of them open in a new window) in case you want to share, favorite, or RT.

These are in semi-reverse chronological order, not ranking order, so your favorite may be in the middle or end.

‘Back in MY day, people used to get dressed up to go to the K-Mart.’ -when white trash gets old” (link)

“Still not on fire.” (link)

“Just saying, I’m a much better one-upper than you.” (link)

“Going through my spam… I wish this crap were true- then I’d have $25 mil and a bigger penis.” (link)

“I should probably sleep… but, then, what would I do all afternoon?” (link)

“They should remake Joannie Loves Chachi, but, this time around, it should be called Brick Loves Lamp. Are you with me, @ghostpanther?” (link)

“I truly believe someone should charge Kevin Federline for desecrating a national monument.” (link)

“Going into McDonalds and ordering a salad is like going into a brothel and saying you’re gay.”  (link)

“What happens if you’re addicted to rehab?” (link)

“The funniest thing about book burnings is that they usually need to buy the books first.” (link)

“This is a typical Saturday night for me: http://twitpic.com/26e7ht/full(link)

“Why doesn’t @jtimberlake endorse McDonalds anymore? I guess he’s no longer lovin’ it.” (link)

‘That was great,’ said the man from Child Services, ‘but I still need to take your kids away.’ #lastlineofbadromancenovels (link)

‘Just one more thing,’ she said to him, ‘I’m HIV positive.’ #lastlineofbadromancenovels(link)

” She smiled- and who could blame her? She had it all…except for a vagina. #lastlineofbadromancenovels(link)

“Just walked out of the hair salon and ran into my rabbi. I’m 99% sure he was completely hungover.” (link)

“Whoever said “money can’t buy happiness” never heard of Prozac.” (link)

“Happy 9/12, everyone! 9 years ago today, Muslim became the new Black.” (link)

“If Jimmy cracked corn in the woods and no one was around to hear it, would anyone care?” (link)

“Why doesn’t Elton John want the sun to go down on him? Is it a girl?” (link)

“I feel like my follower count is too low… now I’ll be forced to buy flashy things to compensate for its small size.” (link)

“She told me she went golfing, but I didn’t believe her- her story had too many holes.” (link)

“I wonder if a lot of people call Johnny Weir an Ice Queen.” (link)

Comment with your favorite tweet!

Tweets of the Week…ish

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Have a Twitter account? Follow me on Twitter! (@malkatz)

Last week’s top tweets. Sorry about the delay… EDIT: Turns out my last TWOT (go ahead, laugh at that acronym) post was the 22nd, which means I should have posted a new one on the 29th, which means this one is ten days late. I will include tweets from August 23rd up to September 5th, and include the 6th and 7th in my next post.

I linked to every tweet in case you want to RT it- which I always appreciate!

(All links open in separate windows.)

“Voldemort. There, I said it.”  (link)

“I just remembered, when I met Paris Hilton, she was chewing gum. I’m shocked… Does that mean she thought it was cocaine?” (link)

“I swear to God a guy just messaged me with the following pick-up line: ‘hey girl. did u just fart cuz ur pic blew me away’ ” (link)

“Would you guys be any more interested in my tweets if I told you I wrote them while wearing a schoolgirl uniform?” (link)

“Rom coms need to stop casting pretty girls as suffering average chicks. Kate Hudson isn’t exactly the poster child of sympathy.” (link)

“Without all the supernatural junk, Twilight is really just a story about a young girl who meets an older man and gets knocked up. Charming.” (link)

“Oatmeal is like an erection… the longer you ignore it, the harder it gets.” (link)

 “At what age does the word ‘daddy’ go from sweet to pornographic?” (link)

“I honestly just thought a commercial opened with ‘it’s clitoris time!’ (It said ‘clearance,’ I had to rewind it.)” (link)

“I could never take Hurricane Earl seriously. I can’t help but picture it with a moustache and a karma list, flanked by @EthanSuplee.” (link)

“Any Given Cumday #pornparodytitles RT: @[requester removed] Any Given Sunday” (link)

“TransPerformers: Revenge of the Bald End #pornparodytitles RT: @[requester removed] Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen” (link)

“I read that as “public shitting,” and now your complaint seems less valid. RT: @[name removed] I hate public spitting in the sidewalk.” (link)

“Can you imagine if someone got Mel Gibson and Mel Brooks mixed up?” (link

“I always thought it would be funny if, after all this time, the Trix rabbit turned out to be allergic to Trix.” (link)

“I just saw somebody’s tattoo of Gumby being crucified on a cross while daydreaming about an ice cream cone. That is all.” (link)

“When my Formspring inbox is empty, it makes me worry I am no longer interesting to strange men on the internet.” (link)

“Mel Gibson: proof that there IS such a thing as bad publicty.” (link)

 “I swear I’m a hypochondriac, but people tell me it’s just in my head.” (link)

“Ugly babies: life’s biggest dissapointment.” (link)

 “I’m pretty sure, when I’m a senior citizen, I’m going to look back and say, ‘I wish I was sluttier.’ ” (link)

“If I ever make a deodorant, I’m going to call it Pit Stop.” (link)

“Whenever a stranger tweets me to tell me my joke was offensive, it makes me really happy, because that means strangers read my jokes.” (link)

“Austism, shautism… Can we address the total lesbian vibe coming off Temple Grandin? Now THAT’S a TV movie.” (link)

“Edie Falco: ‘At 94, my grandma decided to start a new chapter in life.’ Yeah… It’s called the epilogue.” (link)

“Hearing we have Doritos, then finding out they are Nacho Cheese is like hearing a Kardashian wants to fuck you, then finding out it’s Khloe.”  (post)

“I feel like a Twitter whore… not because I tweet a lot, but because I want to have sex with most of you.” (link)

“The best thing about being out with your dad on a Saturday night is that it is in no way pathetic.” (link)

“Why am I so obsessed with my boobs? I just love them so much. I may have feelings for them.” (link)

 ” ‘Are THESE the droids you’re looking for?’ -if there were magicians in Star Wars.” (link)

Tweets of the Week

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Follow me on Twitter here. (@malkatz)

Lately, I’ve been at a loss in terms of what to write about on this blog- however, I am constantly thinking of jokes to tweet. I don’t imagine readers would appreciate it if all my posts were random thoughts and jokes under 140 characters, so I don’t put them here. I have decided to do a feature called Tweets of the Week, highlighting my favorites of the jokes I’ve tweeted.

I added links to each individual tweet, in case you want to share or retweet it.

These tweets are in random order, so read them all- your favorite may be towards the bottom.

All links open in a new window.

Enjoy!

“If you’re happy and you know it, you’re on the right dose. ” (link)

“I want to make a band and name it ‘Nobody,’ just so the bratty teenagers who are asked what they’re listening to will be telling the truth. ” (link)

“Anyone who says they can just eat one Rolo is a liar. They should call it what it is: a Rolo bar.” (link)

“I wish Twitter was around in Hitler’s days. I would love to see his tweets… ‘Just walked Blondi #aryanpride #yesiknowimnotaryan #heilme ” (link)

“If Ghandi tweeted: ‘Sooo starving… but I’m at peace with it.‘ ” (link)

“When I found out pickles were actually cucumbers, it blew my mind. That was two weeks ago” (link)

“I wish ebony and ivory could live together in harmony- instead, they always bleed after a rinse cycle. ” (link)

“If a tree in the woods falls on a Jewish woman, does anybody STOP hearing about it?” (link)

“David Caruso is so intimidating.” (link)

“Brass Monkey is my jam. Even when doped up on allergy pills, I need to get funky to it with my white girl moves. ” (link)

“When people misuse the word ‘literally,’ it literally makes me question their intelligence.” (link)

“It is said the best things in life are free, and there is no such thing as a free lunch, so, obviously, lunch fucking sucks. TEAM DINNER!” (link)

“Is a burp just a fart of the mouth?” (link)

“Mosque, shmoque… I’m offended that they put a Burger King two blocks from my local farm. Chickens DIED THERE, people. ” (link)

“Stephanie Meyers claims to be sick of the vampire hype. Isn’t that kind of like the Beatles being sick of the British Invasion?” (link) (Alternate ending: “…isn’t that like BP saying they’re sick of hearing about the Gulf oil? [link] )

“Gay Marriage called California… they put it on hold.” (link)

“Ask not what you would do for a Klondike bar, but what your Klondike bar would do for YOU. ” (link)

“I’m fat because my love of food is directly proportional to my hatred of excercise. ” (link)

“Juggalos threw rocks at Tila Tequila at a convention today… With all that clown makeup, it’s a wonder she didn’t fit in. ” (link) (Alternate: “…maybe she was too hardcore?” [link]

Let me know if you liked any of them!

By the way, I’d just like to thank anyone who has Retweeted any of my tweets (that includes you, Horatio Sanz!)  I am constantly getting new followers from Retweets, and, even when I don’t, it is an honor and a compliment to see that someone likes something I wrote!

Want a Look into the Life of Ron Burgundy’s Lamp?

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On a whim, I created a Twitter account for the lamp on Ron Burgundy’s desk- of “I love lamp” fame.

Follow him at: http://twitter.com/Channel4Lamp!