RSS Feed

Category Archives: Meanwhile, on the Internet…

Here I am bragging about the picture I made for my new Tumblr.

Posted on

(Click the pic to add me on Tumblr!)

My New Source of Humor: Online Dating (Pt. 2)

Posted on

My therapists parents colleauges keep telling me I need to get out more.

They always insist, on top of everything, “it will help with your comedy!”

But they were wrong. Dead wrong.

All I needed was a profile on a dating site.

Read the rest of this entry

My New Source of Humor: Online Dating (Pt. 1)

Posted on

My therapists parents colleauges keep telling me I need to get out more.

They always insist, on top of everything, “it will help with your comedy!”

But they were wrong. Dead wrong.

All I needed was a profile on a dating site.

Read the rest of this entry

Great for the Drug Dealer on the Go!

Posted on

I know the “stupid stuff on Etsy” blog is something that has been done before, but…

 

Oh no! You mean it’s sold? This always happens to me.

My only wish is that the mystery buyer was Patricia Field, planning to use it in the third Sex and the City movie.

Just imagine! Carrie could plant a huge hibiscus in her necklace- not only would it be on par with her fashions from the TV show, but it would have the added benefit of hiding Sarah Jessica Parker’s face.

This Month’s Tweet Highlights- The Only Funny Things I Said This Month

Posted on

Not one of my Twitter followers? Follow me!

Here are my best tweets from 10/18-11/10.

I included links to each tweet (all of them open in a new window) in case you want to share, favorite, or RT.

These are in semi-reverse chronological order, not ranking order, so your favorite may be in the middle or end.

 “What if, while in the process of checking yourself, you accidentally wreck yourself?” (link)

“My dad raped a lady at a local country club. Just kidding! Jews aren’t allowed in country clubs.” (link)

“I don’t get it. Gay-only cruises are all fine and dandy, but the moment you try to make a STRAIGHT-ONLY cruise…” (link)

“Forgive and forget?” It’s easier to drink and forget. (link)

“Cell phones will now be able to detect STDs- that’s great, but will it work for sextually transmitted diseases? (Link: http://bit.ly/93w5ka)” (link)

“It amazes me how the GLEE kids know every word to every song they spontaneously sing.” (link)

“Please make this happen. RT: @ApprenticeNBC @bretmichaels The Donald loves to rock out. We’re thinking a duet of Every Rose Has Its Thorn?” (link)

It’s just like my mother used to tell me- “if you have nothing interesting to say, don’t tweet anything at all.” (link)

“RTing- the new Top 8? Discuss.” (link)

“You make me/feel like I’m living a/nocturnal emission. #ifKatyPerrysongswerewrittenbymiddleschoolboys(link)

“I Kissed a Girl (No, Seriously!) #ifKatyPerrysongswerewrittenbymiddleschoolboys(link)

“No joke, someone programmed a chair to tweet whenever someone farts on it.” (link)

“I think Facebook decreased its font as a subtle hint to those over 50 to get out.” (link)

“I think they have a reality show for every profession now. When are we going to see Til Death Do Us Mart, about a couple who own a K-Mart?” (link)

“Don’t get too attached to Chapelle’s Show. Just… trust me. #tweetyour16yearoldself(link)

“I love how the conventionalists have groggers. I guess they’re all Jewish in Transylvania? (Rocky Horror)” (link)

“Screwing up my menstrual cycle. #thingswomenshouldstopdoing(link)

“Being prettier than me. #thingswomenshouldstopdoing(link)

I wonder if, when “flossing” was ghetto slang, that made more hood kids floss. If so, we should make “reading” slang. Or “wearing a condom.” (link)

“Hey… so, I see you have a vagina.” #badconversationstarters (link)

“Guy just tried to insult me by saying I love dick. How is that in any way offensive? What would be insulting is if he said I love HIS dick.” (link)

“Myspace just messaged me on Myspace. Man, that is so sad. It’s like an ex begging you to reconsider after dumping them. In 2007.” (link)

“I decided, to make things more fair, girls should start demanding guys put makeup on their dicks. Especially self-tanner.” (link)

“My local news just advertised they have “more accountability,” but didn’t say “than [other station,]” so I guess they’re bullshitting less?” (link)

“Breaking up (polymers) is hard to do.” (link)

“What do you MEAN, sleeping is for nighttime?” (link)

“You probably love it because it feels like my womb.” -Mom, on why I choose baths over showers (link)

“I just realized I never got a reply from the Spice Girls. Maybe my letter’s been lost in the mail since 1996?” (link)

“The ladies’ guide to surviving a horror movie, #472: Do NOT, under any circumstances, wear an oversized mens’ shirt without pants.” (link)

“Udders, udders, everywhere, but not a drop to drink. #dilemmasofthelactoseintolerant(link)

“Sometimes, I wish I had a penis, just so I could tell half the jokes I come up with without sounding ironic.” (link)

“I still remember the plots of some of the pornographic Harry Potter fanfiction I read when I was 11. #whyIgototherapy(link)

Tweet Highlights- I’m Funny, Right?

Posted on

Not one of my Twitter followers? Follow me!

Here are my best tweets from 9/30-10/17.

I included links to each tweet (all of them open in a new window) in case you want to share, favorite, or RT.

These are in semi-reverse chronological order, not ranking order, so your favorite may be in the middle or end.

“I want to make a line of nail files for toenails and call them Pedifiles.” (link)

“I want to write a sequel to PS: I Love You called PSS: Not Really, where it turns out he wasn’t dying, he just left her for his secret wife.” (link)

“I just saw George Washington Carver on a list of historical gay figures. He was gay?! News to me. Then again… he did love nuts.” (link)

“Dear lady in front of me in Starbucks, thigh high boots are not for the 55 and over crowd. Unless you’re famous… and this is Jersey.” (link)

“I would really like to see The Bicurious Case of Benjamin Button. Also, does it pay to make up titles for porn? I think that’s my calling.” (link)

“Just wanted to say I’m really glad none of you are on fire.” (link)

“I hate it when I’m having sex with a guy and he tells me I remind him of his mother.” (link)

“You shouldn’t really hold me accountable for anything I say. Unless you found it funny.” (link)

“Ringo must have gotten all the reject groupies.” (link)

“Those who live in glass houses shouldn’t live on Wisteria Lane.” (link)

“One of the greatest images of all time. Just… look: http://images.regretsy.com/hanger.jpg(link)

“I feel for my laptop the way I imagine my mom feels about me- I love it, but I really wish I could trade it in for a better one.” (link)

“I plan on saving a bunch of money by marrying a gynecologist.” (link)

“If I ever make a brand of deodorant, I’m gonna call it B.O.dorant.” (link)

“You know what sucks? Having an orgy with an odd number of people.” (link)

“Thursday is a total cock tease.” (link)

“This woman is possibly the classiest model alive: http://www.wickedtemptations.com/glitter-cowl-dress-136282-prd1.htm(link)

“Are you smiling? If so, read this: Justin Bieber makes $300,000 a night.” (link)

“Alcoholism ruins families, but sobriety ruins family events.” (link)

“What life after Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell will look like: http://cheezpictureisunrelated.files.wordpress.com/2010/06/captainfabp1.jpg(link)

“If you need to see something adorable: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GnSiaKD2Aj0&feature=player_embedded(link)

“Thanks to DVR, I now have brand new ways of hoarding. ‘I don’t care if that recording is two months old, I might want to watch it someday!’ ” (link)

“I want to open a gay club with a built-in sandwich place. I’ll call it SubGay- and we, too, will have five dollar footlongs.” (link)

More Tweets, Less Filling— Tweets of the Week

Posted on

My Twitter highlights from 9/22- 9/29.

Don’t follow me on Twitter? What are you waiting for?!

I included links to each tweet (all of them open in a new window) in case you want to share, favorite, or RT.

These are in semi-reverse chronological order, not ranking order, so your favorite may be in the middle or end.

“Scientific fact: Emotional eating does not lead to weight gain. On that note, I’m making brownies.” (link)

“My town is building an environmental park on top of what used to be a toxic waste dump. #onlyinNewJersey(link)

 “Just saw a Subway and all the letters were out except for ‘AY.’ #iftonydanzahadasandwichjoint(link)

“Spotted: guy wearing an ‘I love boobies!’ bracelet. It probably isn’t a good sign when you need to wear things to prove you’re straight.” (link)    (NOTE: yes, I have since learned this is from a breast cancer charity.)

“Anyone ever notice Michelle Rodriguez’s entire career is looking pissed off in a uniform?” (link)

“You’re so vain, I bet you think this tweet is about you.” (link)