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Category Archives: Rambling On

What it is/What I saw: In Which I Invent a Teen Drama

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WHAT IT IS: An ad for Vera Wang’s new scent, Preppy Princess.

WHAT I SAW: A promo for a new teen drama.

Check it out.

And yes, the second I saw this in my Seventeen magazine, I had a title and a backstory for each of the characters.

The show? Private School Confessions. 

And here are the cast of characters. (Open this link or the picture below in a new tab or window to avoid having to scroll up/down to read.)

ROW ONE, L-R.

Travis- In middle school, he was an aspiring artist. However, a summer spent in Australia gave him a love of surfing and volleyball. Now he is a star soccer player, much to the disdain of his mother, a former sculptor and retired art professor. He is the former step brother of Viv, and was best friends with Kaylie during their childhoods. Slowly but surely, he is coming into his bisexuality, and is terrified by his ever-increasing feelings for Blake.

Kaylie-  Pageant queen and two-time Student Council President, Kaylie is as beautiful and popular as she is naive. She is yet to realize that her mysterious but loving father is a mobster… or that his right-hand man lusts after her. Only a sophomore, she has an on and off (but mostly on) one-sided flirtation with Kevin, her lab partner in Advanced Chemistry who believes she is too young.

Kevin- A sweet, well-mannered, relatively clean cut boy, Kevin’s turmoil has nothing to do with himself. His mother, Gabrielle, is a severe and unmedicated schizophrenic. Additionally, she is now struggling with trauma from a car accident, in which she drunkenly killed a toddler, and a case of Empty Nest Syndrome. Kevin’s father, billionaire James George Duncan IV, has recently come out of the woodwork after over a decade of silence. He has been writing Kevin (real name: James Kevin Duncan V) letters at school, desperate to reunite with him. Little does Kevin know his father’s intentions are more sinister than expected.  On top of everything else, his younger sister, Sophie (unpictured,) just started her first semester attending Goldwell High, and is quickly finding her way into the wrong crowd.

Jess- The daughter of a pilot and a supermodel, Jess has her parents convinced their only daughter is a cultured, religious young woman with ambition- rather than the school slut who has been known to trade favors for European diet pills. Outgoing and bubbly, Jess is friends with anyone she deems worthy. She is self-deprecating and openly laughs about her copious sexual conquests. But will a pregnancy scare, and the true affections of Joshua, a geeky younger student, change her ways?

ROW 2, L-R.

Viv- The former stepsister of Travis, his love for art rubbed off on her. She is often seen posing nude for erotic self-portraits and full-frontal photospreads, or photographing for her Tumblr. However, she finds most of her inspiration in Blake, her muse-turned-lover-turned partner in crime.

Blake– The chip on Blake’s shoulder is that his upper middle class family could not afford to put him through Goldwell High if it weren’t for his soccer scholarship. He made a name for himself despite his insecurity by becoming a soccer celebrity and drug dealer. Although sometimes assisted by Viv, he dislikes anybody trying to find their way into his drug business, and uses men and women alike for sexual gratification, including his teammate and sometimes customer Travis, for whom he secretly has a soft spot.

Ladies and gentleman, Private School Confessions:

Part 2: Four Crazy Fan Theories (That I Just Made Up)

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Ever read the “Cameron is Crazy” theory devised by fans of Ferris Bueller?

If not, do so immediately. (TL;DR? This theory says that Ferris is a figment of Cameron’s imagination- one that he invented to use as an excuse to rebel, a foil of his personalty, an embodiment of his fantasies, and, finally, a lesson about being a pushover.)

In this vein, I decided to have my own fun and make up some fan theories myself. Read on…

DISCLAIMER FOR THE EASILY BUTTHURT: I am not presenting these as legitimate.

DISCLAIMER FOR THE EASILY CONVINCED: You may not be able to look at these works the same way again.

Read the rest of this entry

Part 1: Four Crazy Fan Theories (That I Just Made Up)

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Ever read the “Cameron is Crazy” theory devised by fans of Ferris Bueller?

 If not, do so immediately. (TL;DR? This theory says that Ferris is a figment of Cameron’s imagination- one that he invented  to use as an excuse to rebel, a foil of his personalty, an embodiment of his fantasies, and, finally, a lesson about being a pushover.)

In this vein, I decided to have my own fun and make up some fan theories myself. Read on…

DISCLAIMER FOR THE EASILY BUTTHURT: I am not presenting these as legitimate.

DISCLAIMER FOR THE EASILY CONVINCED: You may not be able to look at these works the same way again.

Read the rest of this entry

Random Thoughts of the Day

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1. You know what would be scary? Dinosaur ghosts.

2. What happens if you you’re on the rag and live in a nudist colony?

3. I wish there were a real-life equivalent to going invisible on AIM.

4. Hymens do not apply to the rule “use it or lose it.”

5. They do, however, apply to the rule “once you pop, the fun don’t stop.”

Rant: Things I Can’t Stand About Sex and the City

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Disclaimer to male readers/those not familar with Sex and the City: I apologize. Please ignore this post, and expect more relatable comedy in the near future.

Disclaimer to all rabid SATC fans: If I hadn’t watched a billion episodes, I wouldn’t be able to be so irritated by these things. In other words, consider me one of you. Sort of.

These are in no particular order.

1. “Say, Aren’t You Carrie Bradshaw?”

Throughout the series, and in one of the movies, people have looked at Carrie and recognized her, and they all have been psyched to meet her. Really?

Carrie is a columnist for the New York Star, not the New York Times- and, even so, have you ever stopped to look at who’s writing the article you read? You might have glanced, but would you recognize them on the street? Furthermore, if you did, would you actually approach them? Even if, somehow, you answered “yes” to all of the following, would you actually be excited?

I recall Carrie once saying that her column is on “the page next to the Viagra ads” (or something similar.)

So- you have a trashy column in a trashy paper about one girl’s social life. She branched out into books, but what publicity does the average book get? Do you really buy this woman has fangirls? Which leads us to…

2. Carrie is a Mary Sue

Do I need to elaborate on this?

Carrie Bradshaw is elegant. She is in head-to-toe designer clothing, despite being, y’know, a columnist who can’t afford an apartment. Everyone finds Carrie charming. Everyone thinks Carrie is funny. Every man Carrie wants is attracted to her. When Carrie has a crisis, all the other characters completely put their lives on pause for her.

No one is ever mad at Carrie. No one ever faults Carrie for her actions- and when they do, she still gets her way (see: Aidan after she cheats on him with Big.) Carrie has overreacted about a million things, but has anyone ever stopped her and said “hey, Carrie, you’re overreacting?” No. It’s always “ugh, girl, I hear you. You are so right to be upset about getting a new computer.” Carrie has also interrupted other people so much I have literally adopted the term “Carrie Bradshaw” as a verb.

Carrie Bradshaw: v. To interrupt people talking about their problems, only to tell them your less important problems.

But does anyone care? Is Carrie ever forced to confront these issues, or forced to have a character arc? Has Carrie Bradshaw ever changed?

No.

But the audience isn’t supposed to care, because the characters don’t care… because Carrie is a Mary Sue.

(To further prove my point… Carrie Bradshaw and Candace Bushnell share the same initials. Take any one of the Mary Sue litmus tests, and the very first item will ask if the character is in any way named after the author.)

3. “This is Totally Going in my Column!”

This is a simple question: why don’t any of Carrie’s friends or acquaintances care that she spills their innermost secrets, personal lives and sexual philosophies in her column? She doesn’t even bother changing the names!

4. Why, Miranda, Why?

Why does Miranda even hang out with these girls?

Let’s look at the facts:

1. They are three complete and total charictures. We have: the total nympho, Polly Prissypants, and the neurotic one. Sure, Miranda has been guilty of cynicism on a Janeane Garafolo level, but she is also someone who is, by most accounts, normal. She doesn’t live in la-la land or get preoccupied with a new man every episode. She is… a realistic portrayal of a New York woman.

2. Is she even compatible with the others? She is an extremely left-brained lawyer with an average sex drive, relatively drama-free existence and a moderate hunger for glamour. Carrie, Samantha and Charlotte all work in the arts and entertainment industry, have a constant need to be complaining or sharing details of their oh-so-dramatic and glamourous lives and feel empty without a man (in more ways than one.)

3. Do the girls even care about Miranda? Other than the episode with Miranda’s mother’s funeral, have you ever seen the girls team for Miranda’s benefit? Have her problems dujour ever been the priority of an episode?

Maybe Miranda is just people-watching… maybe she is secretly extremely amused by the girls’ total lack of a third dimension, and that is why she spends her time with them. Maybe every brunch is Miranda’s own version of Dinner With Shmucks.

This makes me wonder: what would SATC be like from Miranda’s point of view. I imagine it would be much like Will & Grace: slightly neurotic and cynical redhead as the lead, impossibly campy supporting characters for comedic effect. Hmmm… I sense a post coming up (“If Miranda Were the Star of Sex and the City…”)

And… last, but not least…

5. Mr. Big < Aidan

Enough said.

Oreo Cakesters: An Open Letter (and Intervention) for Nabisco

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CONTEST: Write the Story Behind this Picture

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I saw this written on a dormitory wipe board Cinco de Mayo of last year (technically, it was 4 AM on 5/6, but I hadn’t slept yet, so I considered it Cinco de Mayo.) I originally intended to submit it to this blog, and still might, but completely forgot about it until I found it in my files five minutes ago. Whenever I see this image, I automatically invision a very detailed, very improbable story. I will post it soon, but before I do, I want to hear yours.

Is the dorm owner leaving, or have they left? Where are they going/where did they go? Why? Are they coming back?

Who is Gilly? Why are they claiming to be sorry? Is it this Gilly, who often claims to be sorry?

Is the apology insincere, since it is in quotes? 

Write an explanation in the comments section. I will post them in a follow-up post. Can’t wait to see your entries!