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Category Archives: So I Was Thinking…

What it is/What I saw: In Which I Invent a Teen Drama

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WHAT IT IS: An ad for Vera Wang’s new scent, Preppy Princess.

WHAT I SAW: A promo for a new teen drama.

Check it out.

And yes, the second I saw this in my Seventeen magazine, I had a title and a backstory for each of the characters.

The show? Private School Confessions. 

And here are the cast of characters. (Open this link or the picture below in a new tab or window to avoid having to scroll up/down to read.)

ROW ONE, L-R.

Travis- In middle school, he was an aspiring artist. However, a summer spent in Australia gave him a love of surfing and volleyball. Now he is a star soccer player, much to the disdain of his mother, a former sculptor and retired art professor. He is the former step brother of Viv, and was best friends with Kaylie during their childhoods. Slowly but surely, he is coming into his bisexuality, and is terrified by his ever-increasing feelings for Blake.

Kaylie-  Pageant queen and two-time Student Council President, Kaylie is as beautiful and popular as she is naive. She is yet to realize that her mysterious but loving father is a mobster… or that his right-hand man lusts after her. Only a sophomore, she has an on and off (but mostly on) one-sided flirtation with Kevin, her lab partner in Advanced Chemistry who believes she is too young.

Kevin- A sweet, well-mannered, relatively clean cut boy, Kevin’s turmoil has nothing to do with himself. His mother, Gabrielle, is a severe and unmedicated schizophrenic. Additionally, she is now struggling with trauma from a car accident, in which she drunkenly killed a toddler, and a case of Empty Nest Syndrome. Kevin’s father, billionaire James George Duncan IV, has recently come out of the woodwork after over a decade of silence. He has been writing Kevin (real name: James Kevin Duncan V) letters at school, desperate to reunite with him. Little does Kevin know his father’s intentions are more sinister than expected.  On top of everything else, his younger sister, Sophie (unpictured,) just started her first semester attending Goldwell High, and is quickly finding her way into the wrong crowd.

Jess- The daughter of a pilot and a supermodel, Jess has her parents convinced their only daughter is a cultured, religious young woman with ambition- rather than the school slut who has been known to trade favors for European diet pills. Outgoing and bubbly, Jess is friends with anyone she deems worthy. She is self-deprecating and openly laughs about her copious sexual conquests. But will a pregnancy scare, and the true affections of Joshua, a geeky younger student, change her ways?

ROW 2, L-R.

Viv- The former stepsister of Travis, his love for art rubbed off on her. She is often seen posing nude for erotic self-portraits and full-frontal photospreads, or photographing for her Tumblr. However, she finds most of her inspiration in Blake, her muse-turned-lover-turned partner in crime.

Blake– The chip on Blake’s shoulder is that his upper middle class family could not afford to put him through Goldwell High if it weren’t for his soccer scholarship. He made a name for himself despite his insecurity by becoming a soccer celebrity and drug dealer. Although sometimes assisted by Viv, he dislikes anybody trying to find their way into his drug business, and uses men and women alike for sexual gratification, including his teammate and sometimes customer Travis, for whom he secretly has a soft spot.

Ladies and gentleman, Private School Confessions:

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Lenny Kravitz: An In-Depth Analysis

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It is time I publicize a long-standing theory of mine- one that has been in the back of my mind, but never shared, since October 2001. 

No, it is not a 9/11 conspiracy theory… but one relating to Lenny Kravitz- he of the pierced nipples and inappropriately Jewish name.

You may recall Lenny’s single, “Dig In.”

What you may not recall is sitting for hours, trying to interpret the lyrics- that’s because you didn’t. Now you may want to- but I will spare you the work.

It’s about pooping.

This fact is evidenced by the following:

The lyrics are vague and unmeaningful. They have a general “carpe diem” message, but can be interpreted to be about sex, drugs, online shopping, or anything you’d like… until this line:

“And once you dig in, you’ll find it coming out the other side.”

This line makes it clear that the message is, in fact, “carpe di M&Ms.”

Yes, it is true- Lenny Kravitz writes shitty lyrics.

EXCLUSIVE! First look at The Bloodhound Gang’s New Single!

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As you know, I am a fan of The Bloodhound Gang. As you also know, I am a fan of imitating other peoples’ writing styles.  So, today,  with my extensive, bordering on creepy knowledge of the Bloodhound Gang, I present to you a verse from “There’s a First Time for Everything,” the Bloodhound Gang’s new, never-to-be-released single, about… well, you’ll see. Jimmy Pop, if you’re reading this, I’m single and I have DDs. Call me.

Well, they call me Jimmy Pop, and I’m gonna pop your cherry

Yes, I’m gonna make your day just like in Dirty Harry,

‘Cause the only girls with cherries should be in casinos,

or be in Walmart after dark, or look like Al Pacino

Yes, I’m gonna take it all, just like Bernie Madoff

What you’re wearing is a rocket, and it’s time for take off

And I’m gonna make you spill, just like BP oil

Gonna make you feel so dirty, you will think you’re soil

Because…

Chorus: There’s a first time for everything, and now’s your time. This will be the first time for your thing, yeah, last week was mine.

New Slang Terms I Think Should Happen

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Here are words I made up. Call me Gretchen Wieners, but I think they should be new slang. These are all terms I came up with a while ago. I will post a sequel post as I remember, or come up with, more.

Aftersplash (Noun.) When you pee, and then poop… only to have the need to pee again immediately after. “Sorry I took so long, man… I had some aftersplash.”

Fauxmosexual (Adjective or noun.) Someone who, for whatever reason, is pretending to be gay. “No self-respecting gay man would wear gold spandex without irony. He must be a fauxmosexual.”

Jewty (Noun.) Jewish duty- usually something someone does not want to do, but feels obligated to, because they are Jewish. This also applies to someone doing things, or agreeing to do things, because someone else feels it is their obligation. “No, I can’t hang out, because, apparently, it is my Jewty to sell raffle tickets for the Hannukah fair all day.”   

Shebrew (Noun.) A female Jew. “Natalie Portman is my favorite of all the Shebrews.”

Thinny (Noun.) Someone who is in between simply being thin and being skinny. “Stacy needs to gain three pounds- she’s thinny now.”

Random Thought

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How do you finger Thumbelina?

Random Thought

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I wonder if, like the Jews, Pokémon refer to themselves as “the chosen ones?”

What I think ‘Drop Dead Diva’ is About, Based on its Commercials, in Addition to My Minimal Knowledge and Less-than-Minimal Cynicism

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Premise: A hot blonde dies, and is reborn as a fat brunette with the wit and charm only a sitcom writer could provide. The show is Lifetime’s attempt at the “weight acceptance” movement, showing with no subtlety that, yes, fat women can be beautiful, too- as evidenced by the fact Fat Brunette (FaBru) is told she looks great and fawned over no less than four times in two 60-second spots.

So how accurate am I?