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What it is/What I saw: In Which I Invent a Teen Drama

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WHAT IT IS: An ad for Vera Wang’s new scent, Preppy Princess.

WHAT I SAW: A promo for a new teen drama.

Check it out.

And yes, the second I saw this in my Seventeen magazine, I had a title and a backstory for each of the characters.

The show? Private School Confessions. 

And here are the cast of characters. (Open this link or the picture below in a new tab or window to avoid having to scroll up/down to read.)

ROW ONE, L-R.

Travis- In middle school, he was an aspiring artist. However, a summer spent in Australia gave him a love of surfing and volleyball. Now he is a star soccer player, much to the disdain of his mother, a former sculptor and retired art professor. He is the former step brother of Viv, and was best friends with Kaylie during their childhoods. Slowly but surely, he is coming into his bisexuality, and is terrified by his ever-increasing feelings for Blake.

Kaylie-  Pageant queen and two-time Student Council President, Kaylie is as beautiful and popular as she is naive. She is yet to realize that her mysterious but loving father is a mobster… or that his right-hand man lusts after her. Only a sophomore, she has an on and off (but mostly on) one-sided flirtation with Kevin, her lab partner in Advanced Chemistry who believes she is too young.

Kevin- A sweet, well-mannered, relatively clean cut boy, Kevin’s turmoil has nothing to do with himself. His mother, Gabrielle, is a severe and unmedicated schizophrenic. Additionally, she is now struggling with trauma from a car accident, in which she drunkenly killed a toddler, and a case of Empty Nest Syndrome. Kevin’s father, billionaire James George Duncan IV, has recently come out of the woodwork after over a decade of silence. He has been writing Kevin (real name: James Kevin Duncan V) letters at school, desperate to reunite with him. Little does Kevin know his father’s intentions are more sinister than expected.  On top of everything else, his younger sister, Sophie (unpictured,) just started her first semester attending Goldwell High, and is quickly finding her way into the wrong crowd.

Jess- The daughter of a pilot and a supermodel, Jess has her parents convinced their only daughter is a cultured, religious young woman with ambition- rather than the school slut who has been known to trade favors for European diet pills. Outgoing and bubbly, Jess is friends with anyone she deems worthy. She is self-deprecating and openly laughs about her copious sexual conquests. But will a pregnancy scare, and the true affections of Joshua, a geeky younger student, change her ways?

ROW 2, L-R.

Viv- The former stepsister of Travis, his love for art rubbed off on her. She is often seen posing nude for erotic self-portraits and full-frontal photospreads, or photographing for her Tumblr. However, she finds most of her inspiration in Blake, her muse-turned-lover-turned partner in crime.

Blake– The chip on Blake’s shoulder is that his upper middle class family could not afford to put him through Goldwell High if it weren’t for his soccer scholarship. He made a name for himself despite his insecurity by becoming a soccer celebrity and drug dealer. Although sometimes assisted by Viv, he dislikes anybody trying to find their way into his drug business, and uses men and women alike for sexual gratification, including his teammate and sometimes customer Travis, for whom he secretly has a soft spot.

Ladies and gentleman, Private School Confessions:

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Tweet Highlights- I’m Funny, Right?

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Not one of my Twitter followers? Follow me!

Here are my best tweets from 9/30-10/17.

I included links to each tweet (all of them open in a new window) in case you want to share, favorite, or RT.

These are in semi-reverse chronological order, not ranking order, so your favorite may be in the middle or end.

“I want to make a line of nail files for toenails and call them Pedifiles.” (link)

“I want to write a sequel to PS: I Love You called PSS: Not Really, where it turns out he wasn’t dying, he just left her for his secret wife.” (link)

“I just saw George Washington Carver on a list of historical gay figures. He was gay?! News to me. Then again… he did love nuts.” (link)

“Dear lady in front of me in Starbucks, thigh high boots are not for the 55 and over crowd. Unless you’re famous… and this is Jersey.” (link)

“I would really like to see The Bicurious Case of Benjamin Button. Also, does it pay to make up titles for porn? I think that’s my calling.” (link)

“Just wanted to say I’m really glad none of you are on fire.” (link)

“I hate it when I’m having sex with a guy and he tells me I remind him of his mother.” (link)

“You shouldn’t really hold me accountable for anything I say. Unless you found it funny.” (link)

“Ringo must have gotten all the reject groupies.” (link)

“Those who live in glass houses shouldn’t live on Wisteria Lane.” (link)

“One of the greatest images of all time. Just… look: http://images.regretsy.com/hanger.jpg(link)

“I feel for my laptop the way I imagine my mom feels about me- I love it, but I really wish I could trade it in for a better one.” (link)

“I plan on saving a bunch of money by marrying a gynecologist.” (link)

“If I ever make a brand of deodorant, I’m gonna call it B.O.dorant.” (link)

“You know what sucks? Having an orgy with an odd number of people.” (link)

“Thursday is a total cock tease.” (link)

“This woman is possibly the classiest model alive: http://www.wickedtemptations.com/glitter-cowl-dress-136282-prd1.htm(link)

“Are you smiling? If so, read this: Justin Bieber makes $300,000 a night.” (link)

“Alcoholism ruins families, but sobriety ruins family events.” (link)

“What life after Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell will look like: http://cheezpictureisunrelated.files.wordpress.com/2010/06/captainfabp1.jpg(link)

“If you need to see something adorable: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GnSiaKD2Aj0&feature=player_embedded(link)

“Thanks to DVR, I now have brand new ways of hoarding. ‘I don’t care if that recording is two months old, I might want to watch it someday!’ ” (link)

“I want to open a gay club with a built-in sandwich place. I’ll call it SubGay- and we, too, will have five dollar footlongs.” (link)

The Porn Spoof Title Game

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Anyone who knows me is aware that I have no marketable skills.

Anyone who really knows me is aware that I do, however, have extremely strange skills, at which I am extremely gifted for no apparent reason.

One of these skills is the remarkable ability to turn anything into a porn title.

This is why I sometimes call upon my Twitter followers and Facebook friends to give me a movie title to turn into a porn spoof. Observe:

(Click the thumbnail for the full-sized version.)

Now it’s your turn. Comment with any movie title- on Wednesday, I will turn all or most into them into porn. Aaaand… go!

EXCLUSIVE! First look at The Bloodhound Gang’s New Single!

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As you know, I am a fan of The Bloodhound Gang. As you also know, I am a fan of imitating other peoples’ writing styles.  So, today,  with my extensive, bordering on creepy knowledge of the Bloodhound Gang, I present to you a verse from “There’s a First Time for Everything,” the Bloodhound Gang’s new, never-to-be-released single, about… well, you’ll see. Jimmy Pop, if you’re reading this, I’m single and I have DDs. Call me.

Well, they call me Jimmy Pop, and I’m gonna pop your cherry

Yes, I’m gonna make your day just like in Dirty Harry,

‘Cause the only girls with cherries should be in casinos,

or be in Walmart after dark, or look like Al Pacino

Yes, I’m gonna take it all, just like Bernie Madoff

What you’re wearing is a rocket, and it’s time for take off

And I’m gonna make you spill, just like BP oil

Gonna make you feel so dirty, you will think you’re soil

Because…

Chorus: There’s a first time for everything, and now’s your time. This will be the first time for your thing, yeah, last week was mine.